7/26/2026
Great news for me and my family: My grandson was born yesterday, and I am officially a grandparent!
Yesterday I wrote about a new psychological study showing that perfectionism among college students has continued to rise over the past 35 years. Today I'd like to explore an important distinction that psychologists make.
We are all familiar with sayings such as, "Good, better, best. Never let it rest, till your good is better and your better is best," and "Practice makes perfect." These reflect what psychologists call adaptive perfectionism—setting high standards and striving for excellence. This kind of perfectionism is generally healthy because it is driven by the desire to improve and win.
The problem lies with another form: maladaptive perfectionism.
Maladaptive perfectionism is driven not by the pursuit of excellence but by the fear of failure.
It is fueled by fear of making mistakes, fear of losing, fear of other people's judgment, fear of disappointing others, fear of not being good enough, and fear of uncertain consequences. People set high standards and interpret anything less than perfection as a personal failure.
When fear becomes the driving force, people often avoid situations where they might fail. Instead of taking action, they procrastinate. They wait for the perfect moment.
As the saying goes, "A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for." A perfectionist can become like a ship that never leaves the harbor, waiting for completely risk-free conditions. But that perfect condition may never come and the journey never starts.
The recent study found that one of the fastest-growing dimensions of perfectionism is precisely this fear—fear of mistakes, fear of negative evaluation, and fear of not measuring up. In other words, unhealthy perfectionism is not chasing perfection but avoiding imperfection.
That reminds me of a Chinese saying:
摸着石头过河 (Mōzhe shítou guò hé) — Cross the river by feeling for the stones.
The proverb accepts that we do not know everything in advance. Still, we precede, step by step, and make adjustments along the way, and learn from doing. Uncertainty is just part of the journey.
A perfectionist says, "Don't step into the river until you're certain there's no risk or mistakes ahead." The proverb says, "Step into the river carefully, learn from each step, and keep moving."
Perhaps this is especially true when we are young. Mistakes made early in life are often less costly and provide valuable lessons. If we let fear take the helm, we may remain like a ship in the harbor—safe, but never discovering what we are capable of achieving or seeing the grand views that lie beyond the horizon.
Perfectionism grows in the shadow of fear. Growth begins the moment we become willing to make imperfect progress.
Instead of asking, "How can I avoid mistakes?" perhaps we should ask, "What can I learn from my next mistake?"
