Yanwen’s blog

10/25/2026

While reading Kenneth Barish’s book on parenting and grandparenting, I kept thinking back to my own upbringing. I have long believed that good parenting can make a profound difference in a person’s life.

I spent my adolescent years during the tumultuous decade of China’s Cultural Revolution (文化大革命, Wénhuà Dà Gémìng, 1966–1976).

During that period, young people, especially students organized into groups known as the Red Guards (红卫兵, Hóng Wèi Bīng), were encouraged to challenge established authority, including teachers, school administrators, intellectuals, and Party officials. In the name of revolution, many participated in persecution, humiliation, violence, and the destruction of cultural heritage. The slogan “革命无罪，造反有理” (Gémìng wú zuì, zàofǎn yǒu lǐ)—“Revolution is no crime; rebellion is justified”—captured the spirit of the time.

Looking back, it is hard to believe how society departed so far from normal life and basic human decency. Yet I was too young to understand the larger political forces at work. What saddens me most is that my parents, too, were caught up in the revolutionary fervor.

At school, becoming a Red Guard was considered a sign of being politically progressive. What I remember most vividly—and still feel uncomfortable about—is the pressure I faced to join the Red Guard. Both my parents had joined the Chinese Communist Party when they were young, so they could not understand why I was not eager to demonstrate my political commitment. I remember feeling so burdened by this issue that I sometimes tried to avoid them, afraid they would bring up the topic.

Joining the Red Guards was not as simple as expressing a desire to do so. I had to write self-criticism reports for class leaders, have what were called “heart-to-heart talks” with them, cultivate good relationships with those in charge, and perform good deeds to demonstrate my political attitude. Most difficult of all, I felt I would have to do many things against my own wishes. I think I was a rebel at heart. I resisted doing many of the things I was expected to do.

Yet I could not bring myself to explain all this to my parents, especially my father, who believed I should be humble enough to approach the class leaders and win their approval. I felt caught between my parents’ expectations and who I really was.

Looking back, I think my adolescent years would have been happier if my parents had been able to see beyond the temporary revolutionary fervor and recognize how difficult that period was for me. I wish they had recognized that the Red Guard movement was part of an extraordinary and deeply turbulent political upheaval, rather than a test of whether a young person was progressive.

This brings me back to the subject of parenting. I believe parental wisdom matters enormously. Parents do not have to be right about everything, but they need the wisdom to make wise judgment and to distinguish lasting values from temporary social pressures. They should guide their children without demanding unquestioning conformity, and listen carefully when their children’s instincts differ from their own.

My parents were products of their time, just as I was. I am not blaming them here. Rather, I want my children to understand that good parenting requires not only the courage to guide children, but also the wisdom to think independently and the humility to listen to them. Sometimes, the greatest gift parents can give their children is the freedom to follow their own conscience.

10/24/2026

I’m continuing my discussion of Kenneth Barish’s 2026 book, The Art and Science of Parenting and Grandparenting, which explores the role grandparents can play in children’s emotional development.

10/23/2026

10/22/2026

I'm continuing my discussion of Kenneth Barish's book on the role of grandparents, The Art and Science of Parenting and Grandparenting (2026).

A Chinese saying goes, “家有一小，老人是宝” (Jiā yǒu yì xiǎo, lǎo rén shì bǎo), meaning, “When a family has a little child, the elderly become treasures.” It highlights the important role grandparents can play when a child is small. In fact, however, a child’s emotional well-being is nurtured throughout childhood—not just during the baby stage, but through countless small, warm gestures and everyday moments. Occasional surprises on holidays or birthdays may bring great joy, but long lasting emotional security grows from the ordinary experiences of being listened to, understood, and loved.

This is where what Barish calls “molecules of emotional health” come into play: the small moments when parents or grandparents listen to children, acknowledge their feelings, and spend unhurried time with them.

Barish highlights several qualities that can make grandparents especially valuable in children's lives. One is their ability to offer a relationship that is not focused on achievement and more on simply being a child.

In many families today, parents feel enormous pressure to prepare their children for a competitive world. The role of Tiger Mom is for real. Daily interactions become centered on getting things right and avoiding mistakes: “Have you finished your homework?” “What grades did you get?” “Mind your table manners!”

I remember a friend who had only one child at the time. When I watched the little girl, I had the impression that she hardly knew what to do because four eyes from her parents seemed to be watching her constantly, ready to correct her mistakes. The pressure to do everything right seemed overwhelming for such a young child.

Of course, parents usually have good intentions. They want their children to succeed and believe that correcting mistakes and setting high expectations will help them. But when too much of a child's daily life revolves around performance, even well-intentioned guidance can become a source of unhealthy stress over time.

Children need a break from competition, too. They need time to play without every activity becoming a learning opportunity, to read for pleasure rather than simply to expand their vocabulary, and to enjoy the moment without worrying about whether they are doing something right.

Grandparents may be particularly well positioned to provide this kind of relief. Having moved beyond many of the anxieties that accompany raising children, they may be better able to step back and see the bigger picture and long term effects. Academic achievement matters, but so do physical health, emotional well-being, and the ability to enjoy life.

When grandparents play with their grandchildren, they do not always need an educational mission or a lesson to teach. Their relaxed companionship and acceptance can send a happy message: You are loved not just for what you achieve, but for who you are.

Imagine a child who can spend a day with a grandparent without being constantly evaluated or corrected—someone who listens to the child's stories, shares a game, takes a walk, or simply enjoys being together. Such moments can help a child feel secure and valued.

This makes me think of Bruno Mars’s song “Just the Way You Are.” Its message reminds us that being appreciated for who we are is a powerful form of love. Grandparents can give children this precious feeling: they do not have to earn affection by getting good grades, behaving perfectly, or meeting someone else's expectations. They are secured and loved simply for being themselves.

A child needs people who help them grow, but also people with whom they can simply be themselves. Grandparents can be one of those people.

Continue tomorrow...

10/21/2026

Recently I came upon this book, The Art and Science of Parenting and Grandparenting  by Kenneth Barish, published in 2026. Dr. Barish is a Clinical Professor of Psychology at Weill Cornell Medicine and Visiting Professor at Tongji Medical College in China.

The book explores an important but often overlooked question: What role do grandparents play in children's emotional development?

Drawing on more than four decades of clinical work, along with research in neuroscience and child development, Barish argues that grandparents' contributions to children's well-being are grossly underestimated.

He believes that the declining involvement of extended family and community in raising children has contributed to the challenges facing American families today. As he points out, throughout human history, parents have rarely raised children with so little support from their extended families and communities as they do today.

Its chapters address several important questions: How can adults support children's emotional health? How can children learn to manage their emotions? How can we nurture empathy, kindness, and social skills? How can parents and grandparents communicate better with children?

Barish's argument raises an important question: What can grandparents offer that parents alone may find difficult to provide?

His discussion highlights some key points.

First, grandparents may have limitations when it comes to childcare.

Their parenting ideas may be outdated, and some of their beliefs may not fit the needs of today's children. Differences between generations can also lead to disagreements about how children should be raised. These challenges are not unique to any one country or culture.

Second, grandparents can still generate values to the family.

They have more time and patience than busy parents, and they can offer grand children a different kind of companionship. Because they are not responsible for every aspect of a child's daily routine and especially for their school work, they may have more opportunities simply to listen, play, share stories, and enjoy being together with the grand children.

Third, these everyday interactions may be more important than we realize.

Barish uses the phrase “molecules of emotional health” to describe the small but meaningful moments when grandparents spend time listening to children, acknowledging their feelings, being their confidants and another channel of support, and offering encouragement. Over time, these experiences can help children develop emotional resilience—the ability to cope with disappointment, manage difficult feelings, and recover from setbacks.

Grandparents do not have to be perfect caregivers in order to care or have to agree with their children's parenting decisions in order to make a difference. Sometimes, their greatest contribution is simply to be another trusted adult whom the child can turn to and who makes a child feel heard, understood, and loved.

Of course, this does not mean all grandparents are obligated to care for their grandchildren. They have their own lives, interests, and priorities, which deserve respect, too. Their care for the grandchildren is entirely of their own free will.

Continue tomorrow...