Ning ba: A Chinese Word for Feeling Torn Inside

11/2/2026

“拧巴” (níng ba) came to mind when I was writing about my experiences at school and with my family during the Cultural Revolution. I've been thinking of writing about this word since then mainly because I wish my son could learn something from it so my grandson will experience less 拧巴 when he grows up.

This is a colloquial Chinese word that is difficult to translate with a single English word. It describes a feeling of being emotionally tangled, conflicted, or pulled in different directions. Depending on the context, it can also suggest an awkward tension within oneself.

When describing emotions, it often refers to the uncomfortable feeling of being torn between opposing thoughts or desires. For example:

我心里很拧巴。(Wǒ xīnli hěn nǐngba.)  “I feel torn inside.”

A person may feel 拧巴 when there is a conflict between:

  1. What they really feel and what they believe they ought to feel.

  2. What they want and what other people expect of them.

  3. What they think and what they dare to say.

  4. Their desire for independence and their need for approval.

Consider a child who wants to live life on his or her own terms but feels guilty about disappointing the parents. The child may outwardly comply while inwardly resisting. Neither following personal wishes nor accepting parental expectations feels entirely comfortable. The child is caught between obedience and independence, between wanting parental approval and wanting to be true to oneself. Or a child is doing something he really doesn't want to do. This is what we might describe as feeling 拧巴.

Sometimes, the word also describes the tension between a person's inner self and the image they feel compelled to present to the outside world.

I thought of this word when I looked back on my own childhood because it captures something about my relationship with my parents and the environment in which I grew up.

I was caught between who I really was and what my parents and the surrounding society expected me to be. At times, I resisted inwardly even when I made efforts to comply outwardly. It was not necessarily that I was being dishonest.

This kind of emotional conflict can be especially difficult within a family because it exists alongside love and the need to be loved. A child can love and appreciate the sacrifices of their parents while still feeling hurt, misunderstood, or constrained by them. These feelings do not cancel one another out.

It can be even harder for a child who is a rebel at heart—someone who questions things and resists doing what they are told simply because they are expected to do it. Such a child may struggle to reconcile personal convictions with the desire to please the parents.

Looking back, I wonder whether some of the discomfort I experienced could have been eased if my parents had been more willing to listen and understand me. I do not blame them. They, too, were products of their time and circumstances.

This experience has made me think differently about parenting. Parents cannot prevent every inner conflict their children may experience, nor should they try to eliminate all disagreement. What they can do is create a relationship in which children feel safe expressing their thoughts, questioning expectations, and becoming their own people.

One of the most important gifts parents can give their children is the freedom to be themselves without feeling they must choose between being loved and being true to who they are.

Outsiders, Migration, and the Spirits and the Courage to Venture Out

11/1/2026

I have two younger sisters. Yesterday, while video chatting with my youngest sister, she told me that our other sister was unhappy because her son's girlfriend had decided not to have children. But there was little she could do about it.

Interestingly, that was not how my sister felt back in 2020, when her son started dating this young woman, a native Beijinger who works as a school counselor. Her son had earned his bachelor's degree from a university in the United States. At the time, my sister was worried that he might find a girlfriend from outside Beijing—an 外地人 (wàidìrén), or someone from another part of China.

My youngest sister once commented that perhaps the biggest benefit of her nephew's American degree was that it helped him find his current girlfriend, a Beijinger.

Now, however, my sister faces a different disappointment: the possibility that she may never have a grandchild from her son. I couldn't help wondering whether things might have turned out differently if he had dated a non-local girl. There are several families from other parts of China living in our neighborhood, and they all have at least two children.

Our conversation then turned to the subject of people from outside Beijing. My sister said that one of her biggest concerns about her son marrying an 外地人 was that the woman might come from a poor family and, after marriage, bring her poor relatives to Beijing, placing an additional financial burden on the couple.

But I think we should look at this from another perspective.

People who leave their hometowns to seek a better life in a big city such as Beijing are often taking considerable risks. They leave behind familiar surroundings and the security of home. They have to find jobs, establish themselves, and adapt to a new environment. If they manage to settle down in a competitive city, that itself speaks to their courage, determination, and willingness to venture into the unknown.

These are valuable and admirable qualities. In fact, the willingness to leave familiar surroundings and explore new possibilities is one of the forces that has driven human progress.

Imagine what Elon Musk's life might have looked like if he had stayed in South Africa. Imagine how different our own lives might have been if our parents had not left their villages as teenagers in the 1940s.

And what about the United States? Much of its history and development has been shaped by people who came from somewhere else. My family and I are among them. We, too, are outsiders who left our original homes to build a life in a different country.

The person we regard as an outsider today may become an important contributor to the community tomorrow. Or their children might become a CEO of their own company!

There is a Chinese saying: 人挪活,树挪死 (Rén nuó huó, shù nuó sǐ)—literally, “When people move, they find life; when trees are moved, they die.” It means people thrive when they move while trees die when they move. Sometimes, leaving familiar surroundings is exactly what allows us to grow, discover new possibilities, and build a better life elsewhere.

After all, almost everyone has a hometown somewhere. What matters is not where we come from, but what we make of the opportunities we find along the way.

What Can We Learn from Liu Yandong About Good Leadership?

10/31/2026

Yesterday, I wrote about two stories of Liu Yandong. This is a follow-up piece on that one.

According to the tribute, one of her most important contributions was acting as a buffer for capable people: identifying talented scientist-administrators, shielding them from political, bureaucratic, and interest-group pressures, and maintaining long-term strategic direction even when their work faced criticism or opposition.

In the author's view, her legacy is reflected in two lasting achievements: the widespread use of artemisinin-based treatments, which have saved millions of lives, particularly in Africa, and the development of China's electric-vehicle industry, which has reshaped the global auto market.

Today I'd focus on what we can learn from these stories about good leadership.

1. Understand expertise before making judgments

Liu studied engineering and had experience working in a factory. This background helped her understand the technical reasoning behind scientists' proposals rather than judging them solely on political considerations or public opinion.

The lesson is simple: Don't rush to judgment on complex professional or technical matters. Take time to understand the underlying issues, listen to specialists, and remain open to ideas that challenge conventional thinking.

2. Have the courage to support talented people

The tribute describes Liu as providing protection for people such as Chen Zhu and Wan Gang, allowing them to concentrate on their work rather than become overwhelmed by resistance.

Good leadership is not about taking all the credit or avoiding criticism. It is about creating an environment in which capable people can do meaningful work—and being willing to stand with them when their ideas face opposition.

3. Think long-term rather than chase quick results

Both the development and international recognition of artemisinin-based treatments and China's electric-vehicle industry required years of effort. Neither could have succeeded without sustained commitment through periods of uncertainty and criticism.

Transformative work rarely produces immediate results. A good leader must distinguish temporary setbacks from fundamental flaws and resist abandoning a promising long-term strategy at the first sign of trouble.

4. Exercise sound judgment in a crisis

During the EV subsidy fraud scandal, public anger and criticism put the entire policy under pressure. Rather than abandoning the overall strategy, the response described in the tribute was to punish fraudulent practices, tighten subsidy rules, and improve technical standards.

The broader lesson is to distinguish failures in implementation from weaknesses in the underlying strategy. Correct what is wrong without automatically discarding what is worth preserving.

5. Build trust through human connection

The story of Liu's old photograph with Hillary Clinton illustrates her ability to connect with people on a personal level, rather than relying only on formal diplomatic language. Finding common ground can help build trust and open doors to cooperation.

Facts, reason, and data are important, but relationships matter too. Persuasion is not always about winning an argument; sometimes it is about helping people recognize shared interests.

6. Be humble and let others shine

The tribute portrays Liu as gentle and unassuming, like water—quiet but powerful. Her name may not be attached to the scientific discoveries or industrial breakthroughs themselves, but her contribution, as the author sees it, was to help create the conditions in which others could succeed.

A leader's impact should not be measured only by personal recognition, but also by what continues to work after that leader steps aside.

This brings me back to an idea from Walter Lippmann that I discussed in an earlier essay: good leaders should build institutions and arrangements that can function well without depending on them personally.

Perhaps that is one of the highest forms of leadership: helping others succeed and creating something that outlasts your own involvement.

The Woman Who Stood Up for Scientists: Two Stories About Liu Yandong

10/30/2026

Yesterday, I read a moving tribute to Liu Yandong (刘延东, 1945–2026), titled “The Person Who Shielded Scientists from the Wind Is Gone: Two Stories in Memory of Liu Yandong” (那个替科学家“挡风”的人走了——追忆刘延东的两件小事, Nàge tì kēxuéjiā “dǎng fēng” de rén zǒu le — zhuīyì Liú Yándōng de liǎng jiàn xiǎoshì).

I would like to share her story with my children. They are unlikely to encounter many stories of people like Liu in American media. I hope they will understand that China's reform and modernization were made possible not only by its most prominent leaders, but also by many people working within the Communist Party of China (CPC) and the government, often behind the scenes.

To many people, Liu was known by her senior official positions: head of the United Front Work Department of the CPC Central Committee, State Councilor, and Vice Premier of the State Council. But among some veteran scientists, she was remembered differently—as a warm-hearted “学姐” (senior alumna) who understood their concerns and was willing to stand up for them when political pressures mounted.

The tribute recounts two stories about her.

The first concerns artemisinin and Tu Youyou's Nobel Prize.

According to the article, Liu used the China–U.S. high-level people-to-people exchange mechanism to build trust and strengthen connections with Western academic circles. These exchanges helped create a more favorable environment for international scholarly recognition of Tu Youyou's contribution to the discovery of artemisinin.

The article also describes Liu's support for the wider adoption of artemisinin-based combination therapies through the World Health Organization (WHO) and China–Africa health cooperation. Their extensive use in Africa helped demonstrate their effectiveness in treating malaria and saving lives.

Scientific discoveries do not always receive international recognition simply because of their scientific merit. International academic exchange, institutional cooperation, and evidence of practical impact can also matter. The article portrays Liu as someone who helped build these connections and create opportunities for Chinese scientific achievements to gain global recognition.

The second story concerns China's strategy for developing new-energy vehicles, championed by Wan Gang.

At the time, there were competing views about which direction China should take. Some influential voices favored following Japan's lead in hybrid technology rather than making a major commitment to battery-powered electric vehicles. Wan Gang's strategy faced considerable skepticism and criticism.

When a subsidy fraud scandal emerged in 2015–2016, critics called for the government to abandon the EV subsidy program altogether. Such a retreat could have seriously undermined an industry that was still in its early stages, including the development of its battery supply chain.

The tribute describes Liu Yandong as supporting Wan Gang's strategic direction: fraudulent practices should be punished, but the country's long-term commitment to electric vehicles should continue. What is needed is, subsidy rules needed to be tightened and technological standards improved.

This was an important turning point in China's industrial development. By continuing to invest in battery-powered electric vehicles rather than abandoning it, China helped build a domestic EV industry and a broad supply chain. Today, Chinese manufacturers have become major players in the global electric-vehicle market.

What strikes me about these two stories is not simply Liu Yandong's official rank, but the kind of support she reportedly offered: helping scientists gain recognition, protecting promising initiatives from being derailed, and giving people with expertise room to pursue their ideas.

These contributions may not always make headlines, but they can have lasting consequences.

The Power of Belief and Learning to Cross the River by Feeling the Stones

10/29/2026

On October 27, I wrote about belief while reflecting on Cai Zheng’s ambitious effort to build MUST, a telescope designed to advance China's spectroscopic survey to the front rank in the world.

As I wrote, I was reminded of a conversation I once had with my sister.

Her son also lives in the United States. When we decided to move from Kansas to the East Coast to be closer to our children, my sister asked whether I worried about the possibility of not getting along with my daughter-in-law. Perhaps it's better to keep a safe distance. She herself was concerned that she might have difficulty maintaining a good relationship with her son’s girlfriend.

I told her something along these lines: You have to trust your son’s judgment. You also have to believe in your own ability to get along with the people you meet in life. You have to believe that if you treat people with kindness and respect, they will most likely treat you in kind.

Of course, I had no way of knowing in advance how well I would get along with my daughter-in-law. But I could not let that uncertainty stop me from making a decision I believed was right for our family. I had to trust myself to build the relationship and to deal with whatever challenges might arise.

Looking back, I realize that this, too, was a kind of leap of faith—not blind faith that everything would go smoothly, but confidence that I could face the unknown.

Life is full of uncertainties. If we always wait until we know exactly how everything will turn out, we may never take the first step. Some things can only be understood through experience. We venture forward, learn as we go, adjust ourselves when necessary, and gradually discover what works.

As I reflected on this, a Chinese expression came to mind: 摸着石头过河 (Mō zhe shí tou guò hé)—literally, “crossing the river by feeling for the stones.” It describes moving forward step by step when the road ahead is not clear.

Perhaps this is what belief really means: not knowing for certain that we will succeed, but trusting ourselves enough to begin.

When we cannot always see the other side of the river, we have to take the first step and feel for the stones along the way. That is also how China opened its doors and embarked on reform.