Yanwen’s blog

My sister and I went out for lunch yesterday. We talked about her plan to move to the United States so she would be closer to her son in her senior years. She has given him all the maternal love and care. It's natural for her to look for something reciprocal. But things could be more complicated than we thought.

This makes me think a lot about two kinds of love and care: (1) parental love for their tiny babies and (2) adult children for their senior parents.

The first type, parental love, exists in nature across nearly all species, humans, cats and dogs, perhaps driven by their instincts to care and protect their offsprings, ensuring their survival. It's natural, simple, irrational, unconditional, and rooted in biology. No social and cultural value added.

The second type of love, the reciprocal care of elderly parents by adult children, exists only in humans. We seldom heard of an adult cat taking care of its elderly parent. Is this type of love more a product of culture and society?

I think the second type of love is sustained in the contexts of cultural values and traditions with the concepts of filial piety, and also arising from the emotional bond between parent and child formed during the child's early stage of life.

Most importantly, it exists among adults and under the influence of the past. That's why the relationship between adult children and their elderly parents is more complex, rational, and involving more than obligations.

Biology is not enough. We have to transcend it to maintain a meaningful and sustainable relationship, that is, making sure it is based on genuine feelings of love, mutual respect, and care. And that must naturally emerges without a sense of duty or obligation.

I had a high school reunion lately in Beijing. Among 8 of us retirees, 3 are childless, one has a grandchild. There were some talks on how today’s young people, for various reasons, prefer not to have children.

The talk reminded me of the previous complaints of one grandparent, that grandchildren are all 白眼狼 (bái yǎn láng), white-eyed wolf, meaning an ingrate. I’d like to share my thoughts here.

First of all, if you feel overwhelmed or unable to meet the demands of caring for your grandchildren, you should feel comfortable expressing your limitations to your adult children. 

Otherwise, help within your capacity, contribute without expecting any return. The key is caregiving should be based on your willingness and ability, rather than obligation or expectation of reciprocation.

Second, don't underestimate the profound long term impact that grandparents can have on the grandchildren's lives.

I have a very fond memory of my grandmother. She was illiterate but she was my 避风港 (bì fēng gǎng), harbor or haven. During my childhood, I was not a good pupil at elementary school. My parents were young, inexperienced, and impatient with me. Their discipline was harsh and dreadful to me and I often went to my grandmother whose comfort and understanding meant a lot to me. Her warm present is still impactful now. It’s true grandparents are loose on dispensing discipline, but young children need a break from time to time.

Finally, be positive and think not of 白眼狼.

Meeting my Korean student on Sunday evening always provides me with something to think about. One of the homework that I gave her last week is to think back and see if she has learned anything new this week. 

She shared this anecdote with me, my five-year-old daughter told my husband, “Dad, you lost your job, but you are still my dad. I still love you.” 

This is truly amazing for such a young child to say this when her dad lost his job and the family is in a difficult situation. Despite her young age, she can perceive her father's sadness and provide words of comfort and reassurance.

I told my student that I learned at least two things from this. First, the child's words are an act of kindness, showing that she cares about the emotional well-being of her parent. This level of empathy and compassion in young children is very valuable.

Second, the girl demonstrates resilience during the hardships of job loss. Young as she is, she gives her support in her own way and she offers something in terms of human spirits that we can all learn from -- the power of love and connection and resilience in order to overcome the obstacles.

In contrast, not all adults can behave so well. Many adults may struggle to manage their emotions well during times of financial difficulty, often resulting in arguments, complaints, tension, or stress in the family, making life more miserable than necessary, 雪上加霜 (xuě shàng jiā shuāng).

Most importantly, the young girl's ability to offer support and comfort to her father sets a good example for all of us on empathy, compassion, and resilience in facing life's challenges.

Someone suggests that my son give lectures on how to do startups or on being entrepreneur. I said, to give lectures he needed more education, like at least a master degree, especially in China where people highly value degrees.

This morning I shared the thought with my sister. She said, “Not really necessary.” In China academic degrees are for job-hunting. Many people spend lifetime teaching business in universities, but having no real life experience at all. 

The conversation actually reflects two perspectives on the value of academic degrees in relation to real life experience. Since I have a PhD degree, I feel strongly to advocate for education.

First of all, education exposes you to a wide range of ideas and theories, which will provide valuable insights and theoretical frameworks for you to understanding your experience. This knowledge base allows you to stand on the shoulders of the giants and see with clarity the historical trends and social models.

Second, different ideas and theories stimulate and help develop in you critical thinking skill, so you can better analyze complex problems and perspectives, the skills that are crucial in the era of uncertainty and challenges inherent in entrepreneurial efforts.

Finally, academic credentials can enhance one's credibility and reputation, particularly in places where formal qualifications are valued.

Of course, you can keep learning and maintain credibility without a higher degree. Still, academic environment can provide a great opportunity for personal growth and development.

This happened about a decade ago. It was my sister's birthday while I was in China. By that evening, she said the day would be perfect if she could hear from her son. To make her happy, I sent a gentle reminder to her son.

The young man told me, “I abhor being told to do things like this. If I send her a birthday wish, it's because I feel like doing so, not because someone told me that I should." My face burned when I heard the annoyance in his voice.

On the one hand, he was right in many ways. Nobody enjoyed being told to do this or that. He was right when he preferred to act out of his own heart rather than from external prompts, and when he emphasized genuinity rather than obligations in relationship between adult children and their parents.

On the other hand, had I done something wrong when I didn't want to see my sister being disappointed on her birthday, when her son meant so much to her?

Understandably young people are busy with their work and other social life. It's okay if they are too busy to remember parents' birthday. For sometime I could see his point but still believed that I had done the right thing by sending a reminder.

Effective communication is the key in all relationships. Perhaps the key is missing here. To avoid disappointment, perhaps my sister should be upfront with her expectations unequivocally instead of waiting and expecting silently, like telling her son, "I'd like to hear from you on my birthday." I'm sure her son won't forget it. In fact, this is how I communicated to my children many years ago.

沟通是关键 (gōu tōng shì guān jiàn), communication is the key. Ultimately things won't go too far off with open and honest communication, especially between parents and their adult children.