Yanwen’s blog

It warmed my heart immensely when a few days ago a young relative of ours expressed his gratitude to us. He came to the United States in 2006 when he was in his early 20s. We helped him with school applications here and provided other types of help for him to complete his study. I'm delighted to see him growing into such a mature, grateful and responsible individual now.

He was a different person in 2006. Back then, I remember every time I offered some advice to him, he would blurted out "I know. I know. I know. No need to tell me..." It sounded like a direct affront to my good intentions. Of course he was still a child. I never took it to heart. 

This should give some hope to parents who think their children are rude and disrespectful. They are still immature. In due time, they will grow up, become mature and different persons. Just be patient.

Here's a Chinese saying that I hope people can take it to their hearts. It is a super great advice if you want to be nice. "有则改之，无则加勉" (Yǒu zé gǎi zhī, wú zé jiā miǎn). The literal meaning is: "Correct it if you have this problem, prevent it if you don't have it." 

This saying applies to occasions when someone either criticizes you or gives you advice. Your positive attitude should be "有则改之，无则加勉", instead of starting a self-defense mode or like my relative in 2006.

You may ask, what's the big deal about this attitude? It's all about acknowledging the good intentions in others, about giving credit to the person who cares enough to tell us what he honestly thinks, and most importantly, about being a PLEASANT human. Because a direct affront can be annoying to many people.

Wednesday my Korean student shared with me this story. Her daughter goes to an academy school each day after school. When she is back home doing her homework, the mother learns with her daughter. Sometimes she pretended that she doesn’t know the word, asking her daughter to explain it to her, giving her a chance of being a teacher to her mother.

It gives her a sense of satisfaction to be a teacher. When her daughter becomes assertive, insisting "Say it three times," she simply plays along with it. The young girl takes great joy and pride in playing the role of a teacher, and she approaches the task with genuine dedication. Also, she learns better when teaching her mother.

What a great teamwork! What a great way to spend time and grow together! What a smart method of teaching responsibility, of developing maturity, of boosting leadership role in a young child!

The collaborative learning dynamic between the mother and the daughter reminds me of a Chinese saying, 师父领进门，修行在个人。(Shīfù lǐng jìnmén, xiūxíng zài gèrén.) The literal meaning is: The teacher guides you to the entrance of the knowledge, but real learning is ultimately up to the individual. 

While highlighting the teacher's role in providing direction and guidance, the saying emphasizes the student's commitment and personal effort as being crucial for real personal growth. This partially explains why students sitting in the same classroom under the same teacher yield vastly different results.

A relative of mine has a rather dominant personality. She likes to take charge and is your typical authoritative figure. Of course, she must win every battle when she fights. But with her son, she is a different person. She once said, in arguing with my son, I lose if I win, I win if I lose.

Another friend of mine shared with me her lost fight with her high school son on his game addiction. When she cut the internet connection at home, he used his cellphone. When she threatened to take away his phone, he said he would go to his friend's house and would never come back. My friend said, I don't want him to run away from home, so let him be. Better having a son at home than a runaway one.

I think, as a parent, both my relative and my friend can put things in a large time frame and are wise in their respective attitude. In both cases, the boys now turn out wonderfully. For parents, in a broad perspective, sometimes being flexible and ready to compromise, not insisting on having our own way can yield better overall results.

A Chinese saying goes, 退一步海阔天空 (Tuì yī bù, hǎi kuò tiān kōng), which means literally "Taking a step back, you will find the boundless sea and the endless sky." It tells people that by stepping back, yielding to your opponent or your children, you can create a win-win situation and open to endless opportunities, greater possibilities, and a much brighter future for all.

Recently my family in Beijing, who indulge in talking about politics everywhere, keep asking me about the current situation in Texas, specifically the standoff between the state of Texas and the federal government at the southern border.

I don't know how it will end. But the mention of Texas brought me back to 1984, 40 years ago, when I first arrived in the U.S. At that time, foreigners in Texas were as rare as Pandas in American zoos. Each foreign student was assigned a host family. My host family was Mrs. Robinson, a super nice Christian lady who took me to church every Sunday. After church, she took me to a restaurant, something to look forward to for a poor student.

Once she took me to her house, brought out some fruits, like apples and oranges, and asked me if I knew how to eat them. Bless her heart, she showed me how to peel the orange and eat it. I was tempted to tell her that I came from Beijing, a much bigger capital city than Waco, TX. But I didn't. I just played along with her. Next time I went to church with her, I kept thinking of words like parochial or provincial. 

I don't know why I can't forget this incident. Perhaps it fits perfectly this Chinese phrase 井底之蛙 (jǐng dǐ zhī wā), the literal translation is "frog at the bottom of a well" who, as the story goes, is able to see only a tiny bit of the sky above and believes that the small patch of sky is the entire universe.

It is often used metaphorically to describe someone who has a very limited vision or perspective, having no idea of the larger world outside or unaware of different possibilities.

With the wave of globalization and the seismic human migrations like the one at our southern border, we now have less and less 井底之蛙.

Sunday evening I met my Korean student online. She told me about her job interview, that she needed to change her job so that she could spend more time with her children.

I shared with her what I talked about yesterday about the benefits of sports in child development. More importantly, I told her, there is a limited age window for what parents can do to enhance their sports participation. We need to get them involved in some sports, having some fun and friends before they can say No to you. She said, Oh no, my children already say No to me now.

This reminds me of one parent's question during last Friday's activity. She asked, what can I do to encourage my teenage son to participate in sports? He spends excessive time on gaming and refuses to try any sports I suggest?

Sadly to say, at this rebellious age, that parent is fighting an uphill battle trying to make her son give up gaming addiction and pick up a new sport. At this point, no one could give her any feasible advice. Too late.

A Chinese saying goes: 一年之计在于春, (Yī nián zhī jì zài yú chūn). The literal meaning is "The plan of a year is in spring." This saying emphasizes the importance of starting early, right at the beginning of the year. You can also think of spring as a time of renewal and new beginnings.