Yesterday I mentioned educational psychology and Counseling For Toads: A Psychological Adventure by Robert de Board. The author uses transactional analysis (TA) as his counseling tool. TA is a branch of psychology focusing on analyzing interpersonal interactions and communications to understand human behavior. Here transactions means interactions between individuals.
From parenting perspective, the book shows the huge impact of Mr's Toad's family of birth on his adult life depression. The family of birth refers to the one Mr. Toad is born and raised under with his parents.
Mr. Toad suffered from depression when he first sought therapist. A few sessions of counseling reveal that his depression has its root in the way he was raised.
His father was harsh, authoritative, and constantly criticizing him, resulting in his belief that while Father is always right, he is always wrong and worthless. And he is in the habit of apologizing to others. His mother, out of fear for his father and her own immaturity, did not make life better for him.
Its impact on Adult Mr. Toad is on the way he handles anger when others belittle or mistreat him. Sometimes, we express our angry feeling in order to set boundaries with others and protect ourselves against mistreatments. When we feel angry, we either turn toward the person who upsets us or turn inward, criticizing ourselves, feeling like unable to do anything right.
As a child, Mr. Toad did not develop rebellion against his parents. As an adult, he stayed in the stage of child dependence. Any frustration and anger that he feels he turns inward onto himself, the safe scapegoat. Eventually he becomes more and more frustrated with himself and depressed.
The book lists three ego states: parents, child, and adult. The Adult ego state involves logical and rational thinking, it gives you strength and courage to assert your own authority and act independently.