11/2/2026
“拧巴” (níng ba) came to mind when I was writing about my experiences at school and with my family during the Cultural Revolution. I've been thinking of writing about this word since then mainly because I wish my son could learn something from it so my grandson will experience less 拧巴 when he grows up.
This is a colloquial Chinese word that is difficult to translate with a single English word. It describes a feeling of being emotionally tangled, conflicted, or pulled in different directions. Depending on the context, it can also suggest an awkward tension within oneself.
When describing emotions, it often refers to the uncomfortable feeling of being torn between opposing thoughts or desires. For example:
我心里很拧巴。(Wǒ xīnli hěn nǐngba.) “I feel torn inside.”
A person may feel 拧巴 when there is a conflict between:
What they really feel and what they believe they ought to feel.
What they want and what other people expect of them.
What they think and what they dare to say.
Their desire for independence and their need for approval.
Consider a child who wants to live life on his or her own terms but feels guilty about disappointing the parents. The child may outwardly comply while inwardly resisting. Neither following personal wishes nor accepting parental expectations feels entirely comfortable. The child is caught between obedience and independence, between wanting parental approval and wanting to be true to oneself. Or a child is doing something he really doesn't want to do. This is what we might describe as feeling 拧巴.
Sometimes, the word also describes the tension between a person's inner self and the image they feel compelled to present to the outside world.
I thought of this word when I looked back on my own childhood because it captures something about my relationship with my parents and the environment in which I grew up.
I was caught between who I really was and what my parents and the surrounding society expected me to be. At times, I resisted inwardly even when I made efforts to comply outwardly. It was not necessarily that I was being dishonest.
This kind of emotional conflict can be especially difficult within a family because it exists alongside love and the need to be loved. A child can love and appreciate the sacrifices of their parents while still feeling hurt, misunderstood, or constrained by them. These feelings do not cancel one another out.
It can be even harder for a child who is a rebel at heart—someone who questions things and resists doing what they are told simply because they are expected to do it. Such a child may struggle to reconcile personal convictions with the desire to please the parents.
Looking back, I wonder whether some of the discomfort I experienced could have been eased if my parents had been more willing to listen and understand me. I do not blame them. They, too, were products of their time and circumstances.
This experience has made me think differently about parenting. Parents cannot prevent every inner conflict their children may experience, nor should they try to eliminate all disagreement. What they can do is create a relationship in which children feel safe expressing their thoughts, questioning expectations, and becoming their own people.
One of the most important gifts parents can give their children is the freedom to be themselves without feeling they must choose between being loved and being true to who they are.
