12/13/2024
A few days ago, while I was in the YWCA locker room, I encountered a little girl in the shower area who was crying and screaming hysterically. Her wails were piercing, echoing loudly through the entire locker room. She seemed completely out of control, as though she was throwing an intense temper tantrum. People exchanged glances silently, -- what had her parent done to upset her so much? Why wasn’t her mom stepping in to calm her down?
When they emerged from the shower, the girl’s attempts to scream continued, though her voice sounded hoarse and tired. She reached out to hold her mom, but the mother pushed her away, remaining silent throughout the entire commotion. She looked frustrated. The girl spoke to her mom in Chinese, so I decided to talk to her in the same language. The mother explained that her daughter was five and a half years old and prone to these dramatic outbursts at home as well, describing it as having a “big temper.”
The girl’s cries reminded me of my own children when they were little. There was always a reason behind their tears, and I made it a point to calm and comfort them first, providing them with a sense of security and validating their feelings. This approach helped them feel understood and soothed their emotions.
While I couldn’t know the exact reason for this little girl’s distress at the pool, I couldn’t help but think the mother could have responded differently. She could have paused whatever she was doing and given her full attention to the child, focusing on calming and comforting her. A warm hug or soothing words could have made a big difference.
Once the child had calmed down, the mother might have gently asked, “It’s okay, but can you tell me what’s making you so upset?” This approach not only validates the child’s emotions but also teaches her how to articulate her feelings, encouraging calm communication.
A Chinese saying for this situation is “以柔克刚” (yǐ róu kè gāng), meaning, "Overcome steel with gentleness." It emphasizes the power of a calm and empathetic approach in resolving conflicts or managing intense emotions. It also applies to interpersonal dealings, where a calm and understanding attitude can defuse tension and foster positive outcomes.
This incident also illustrates an important principle that extends beyond parents and children: the value of emotional validation and attentiveness in interpersonal dealings. Whether in personal relationships or professional settings, taking the time to acknowledge someone’s emotions and providing a calming presence can diffuse tense situations. Asking thoughtful questions like, "Can you help me understand what’s troubling you?" fosters open communication and demonstrates empathy, laying the groundwork for trust and resolution.
Finally, throughout such situations, patience is essential. It’s crucial for parents—and anyone dealing with heightened emotions—to exemplify calmness, even when feeling frustrated or upset.
Children often mirror the emotions of the adults around them, and maintaining a composed demeanor helps them learn to self-soothe. Similarly, in other contexts, maintaining composure can set the tone for a more constructive interaction.
With a lot of patience and care, moments like these can become opportunities to grow and learn. Most importantly, it strengthens bonds and teaches emotional resilience, whether between parent and child or among colleagues and friends.