9/9/2026
Last year, at my birthday gathering, we learned from the former girlfriend of a young relative that she and her boyfriend had ended their 12-year relationship because he had been seeing another woman. This was not the first time something like this had happened.
Last weekend, I learned that he is planning to visit us over Thanksgiving. I haven't talked to him about what happened last year, but this time I feel that I should.
He is 38 years old, an adult, and ultimately he is responsible for his own decisions and their consequences. So what can I say to him that might actually be useful?
I know what I don't want to say.
I don't want to tell him things he already knows. I don't want to say anything that will immediately put him on the defensive, make him feel judged or guilty, or turn the conversation into a lecture. I don't want to bring up how much his mother suffered and worried when she heard about what happened. That could make him feel emotionally manipulated.
So what can I say? Perhaps I can simply ask:
Why did you do it?
What would you do differently next time?
What was happening inside you that led you to make those choices?
What were you looking for when you were seeing another woman?
Was there something you were unhappy about but unwilling or unable to confront honestly?
Were there problems in the relationship that you didn't know how to deal with?
Twelve years is a long time to share your life with someone. Whatever happened in that relationship is now in the past, and the choices were his to make. But I hope he doesn't see this simply as the end of one relationship and the beginning of another.
I hope he can use this experience as an opportunity to understand himself better.
Most importantly, what part of this experience was about the relationship, and what part was about you?
Because if someone enters a new relationship without understanding what happened in the previous one, there is a risk of repeating the same pattern.
I hope he can arrive at his own conclusions.
A good relationship requires honesty, responsibility, and the courage to face problems directly rather than avoid them. But those are things he has to understand for himself. No lecture from me is going to make that happen.
If I do talk to him, perhaps I can simply ask:
“What do you think you've learned from this experience about yourself?”
Perhaps I should write to him, and then wait... if he ever replies.
A friend commented, “根据我的观察，这种在婚姻和恋爱关系上有三心二意，不忠不诚的行为是改不了的。除非等他有某种缺陷了， 身体、经济、年龄或其他弱化了的原因。
… 你如果真想和他谈谈，可以问问他为什么和前女友分手。 是因为性格不合，还是其他什么原因让他见异思迁。 如果他是没有commitment，就是玩玩而已的那种，那就没救了。 只能等他自己接受教训以后醒悟了。”
Another reader told me, "It's useless to talk to him. He's going to be 40 years old. You can't change anything."