9/9/2026
Last year, at my birthday gathering, we learned from the former girlfriend of a young relative that she and her boyfriend had ended their 12-year relationship because he had been seeing another woman. This was not the first time something like this had happened.
Last weekend, I learned that he is planning to visit us over Thanksgiving. I haven't talked to him about what happened last year, but this time I feel that I should.
He is 38 years old, an adult, and ultimately he is responsible for his own decisions and their consequences. So what can I say to him that might actually be useful?
I know what I don't want to say.
I don't want to tell him things he already knows. I don't want to say anything that will immediately put him on the defensive, make him feel judged or guilty, or turn the conversation into a lecture. I don't want to bring up how much his mother suffered and worried when she heard about what happened. That could make him feel emotionally manipulated.
So what can I say? Perhaps I can simply ask:
Why did you do it?
What would you do differently next time?
What was happening inside you that led you to make those choices?
What were you looking for when you were seeing another woman?
Was there something you were unhappy about but unwilling or unable to confront honestly?
Were there problems in the relationship that you didn't know how to deal with?
Twelve years is a long time to share your life with someone. Whatever happened in that relationship is now in the past, and the choices were his to make. But I hope he doesn't see this simply as the end of one relationship and the beginning of another.
I hope he can use this experience as an opportunity to understand himself better.
Most importantly, what part of this experience was about the relationship, and what part was about you?
Because if someone enters a new relationship without understanding what happened in the previous one, there is a risk of repeating the same pattern.
I hope he can arrive at his own conclusions.
A good relationship requires honesty, responsibility, and the courage to face problems directly rather than avoid them. But those are things he has to understand for himself. No lecture from me is going to make that happen.
If I do talk to him, perhaps I can simply ask:
“What do you think you've learned from this experience about yourself?”
Perhaps I should write to him, and then wait... if he ever replies.
