11/9/2026
Last Friday, while video chatting with my youngest sister, she mentioned that her son and his new girlfriend were coming over to us during Thanksgiving break. She asked me to meet the girlfriend and share my impressions of her.
This reminded me of a conversation I had with my sister nearly two months ago.
Back then, I suggested that she ask her son: 你觉得经历了这件事之后，你对自己有什么新的认识？
"What do you think you've learned from this experience about yourself?"
It turns out that she never asked him. She was afraid that the question might make him defensive, lead to an unpleasant conversation, and possibly damage their relationship—a loss she felt she could not afford.
There is something unsettling about this. Why does she feel unable to say to her son what is on her mind?
The question itself seems straightforward to me. "What do you think you've learned from this experience about yourself?" simply invites him to reflect on his own behavior and perhaps understand himself better.
It is not an accusation. It does not blame him or demand that he admit wrongdoing.
Perhaps my sister interprets it differently. She anticipates that asking him to examine his behavior might make him feel judged or guilty. In her mind, the question could become a source of conflict and threaten her relationship with him.
A Chinese saying goes, 经一事，长一智 (jīng yī shì, zhǎng yī zhì)—learn from experience and become wiser.
I wish both my sister and her son could see this question as an invitation to self-reflection rather than an accusation.
Something else also troubles me, that is, what my sister told me about their communication.
She said that she has become afraid of upsetting him. If she says something he doesn't like, he might stop sharing things with her altogether. She feels that losing communication with him would be worse than the situation they have now.
When I asked her whether she had shared this fear with him, she said yes.
His response was: "Mom, are you trying to morally manipulate me?" (道德绑架?)
I was truly at a loss for words.
I have never thought that communication between parents and their adult children could be this complicated. I have never had this kind of difficulty communicating with my own children, so I find myself struggling to understand what has gone wrong.
Perhaps the problem is not simply what my sister wants to say, but how her son trying to interpret her intentions.
She wants to express concern, but he may hear criticism or judgment. She wants him to reflect on his experience and grow, but he may feel that she is trying to make him feel guilty. It's always something else other than what truly passing between them.
And now she is afraid to say anything at all that might upset him.
I don't know the full history of their relationship. But I do wonder whether avoiding difficult subjects is helping them maintain their relationship or making it harder for them to be honest with each other.
There are two things I hope my children can learn from this story.
First, when something undesirable happens, instead of immediately finding excuses or explanations, take a moment to look inward.
Ask yourself honestly: "What have I learned from this experience about myself?"
This means being willing to face yourself and examine your own decisions, recognize your mistakes, and discover something you may not have understood about yourself before.
We cannot change the past, but we can learn from it. 经一事，长一智.
Second, keep communication flowing. Being able to express concerns, listen to different opinions, and discuss uncomfortable subjects is an important part of maintaining relationships.
This does not mean that we must agree with everything others say, or that we should force someone to discuss a subject they are not ready to discuss.
But I hope we can learn to distinguish between an honest concern and an accusation, and between disagreement and rejection.
A relationship should have room for difficult conversations.
I have always believed that parents and children should be able to talk openly with each other. Perhaps I have taken this for granted because communication with my own children has never been a serious problem.
Now, through my sister's experience, I realize that maintaining communication between parents and adult children may require more understanding than I had imagined.
I still don't know what I would say to my sister. Best wishes. It is what it is.
Most importantly, I hope my children will read this and think about their own experiences.
Learning from experience helps us grow. Keeping communication open helps us grow together.
