Yanwen’s blog

This Monday, during an online meeting with my Korean student, we talked about New Year’s resolutions and parenting. She mentioned how challenging it is to get her daughter to do what she should do. At the time, I happened to be reading Crucial Influence: Leadership Skills to Create Lasting Behavior Change by Joseph Grenny and four co-authors (2013). What struck me was how many of the book’s ideas apply directly to parenting.

The authors argue that key behaviors—whether in adults or children—are shaped by two forces:

(1) Motivation: Does the person want to do it?
(2) Ability: Can the person actually do it?

When someone fails to carry out a task, the reasons almost always come down to one of these two factors: low motivation or insufficient ability.

To address low motivation, effective influencers use three strategies: helping people enjoy tasks they dislike, leveraging role models, and using external rewards or consequences.

1. Stimulating Personal Motivation

This is often the hardest part for parents—especially when dealing with children who love to play but avoid studying. How do we help them enjoy tasks they instinctively resist?

Successful influencers don’t rely on nagging, lectures, or threats. Instead, they use emotional connection and thoughtful questioning to help a person reflect and make their own choice. They tell stories that resonate. They turn dull tasks into small games or challenges. In short, they invite engagement rather than force compliance.

2. Role Models

We’re social creatures; influence is built into our nature. A single compliment, an encouraging gesture, or a small show of approval can shift a child’s behavior. Children naturally look up to those ahead of them.

And of course, we ourselves are often the most powerful role models. If we want our children to change their behavior, we have to demonstrate it in our own. Children learn far more from what we do than from what we say.

3. Rewards and Consequences

Rewards and consequences can work—when used wisely. The key is simple:
Reward the behavior, not just the outcome.

If you want your child to develop the habit of studying independently, reward them when they sit down to study on their own—not only when they bring home a high score.

But internal motivation should always come first. External rewards should follow, not lead. Psychologists call this the overjustification effect: give too many rewards for something a child already enjoys, and you may unintentionally drain the joy out of it. The moment the chocolate stops, so does the piano practice.

Of course, when internal motivation is already strong, rewards enhance rather than harm. A student who loves learning will not love it any less after receiving a scholarship.

These three strategies—creating genuine motivation, leaning on role models, and using rewards wisely—can help children do what they once resisted. And, more importantly, they can help them grow into people who take initiative for themselves.

The book puts it well: “Learning how to motivate and enable others to change their actions may be the most important skill you'll ever acquire.” (p. 9)

Perhaps, at the heart of parenting is influence—not controlling our children, but helping them learn to control themselves by building the motivation and ability to navigate life on their own. That is why these ideas matter. They remind us that change is about understanding how people grow. If we can learn to influence with empathy, clarity, and patience, we are not just shaping behaviors; we are shaping character—and ultimately, fate.

This 2023 news story about an elderly man losing over a million dollars to an online scam is shocking and thought-provoking. For three months, the old man chatted daily with a woman he had never met. They talked about families, children, and daily life. Eventually, he trusted her enough to follow her advice and pour his lifetime savings into a fake crypto investment. The money vanished completely.

At first glance, it's easy for people to say: How could he be so foolish to trust someone he's never met? Why didn’t he ask himself the most basic question—why would a stranger, possibly not even a woman at all, spend months “chatting” with him for free? But the truth is more complicated and more disturbing than a simple judgment.

A “Friendship” That Was Never Real

To the victim, this felt like a genuine friendship that grew slowly over three months. To the scammer, it was her(his) work. These conversations were anything but casual. They were carefully designed, step by step, to build trust and to narrow emotional distance. Three months of chatting is not “wasting time” for professional scammers when considering its potential gain.

These criminals operate like salespeople—only their product is nothing but empty air. They learn about your family, your worries, and your routines. They echo and confirm your emotions and your worries, offer sympathy, show “concern,” and gradually position themselves as someone you rely on and lean on. By the time money enters the conversation, the victim often feels they are with a trusted companion.

This is by no means an isolated case. These crimes are rampant precisely because there is no shortage of easy targets. Cases like this are happening again and again. "Two Hong Kong men in their 70s have been conned out of HK$48 million (US$6.2 million in scams involving a criminal impersonating an official and the Ethereum cryptocurrency."

Another one, "An 82-year-old woman in Hong Kong has lost HK$4.2 million (US$539,800) after being duped by scammers with a new phishing tactic involving a streaming subscription ..."

Here's a younger victim, a 55-year-old careful Hongkonger lost HK$1.3 million in scam, saying "I have no money left." And many more cases like this.

Another one involves 20 victims in Hong Kong who lost over HK$10 million in online love scams in just two weeks. 40% of the victims are above 60 years old.

Not Stupidity, but a Perfect Psychological Trap

It is tempting to label the victim as “stupid.” But keep in mind that this kind of scam succeed chiefly because human psychology is predictable under emotional manipulation.

These scams exploit:

• Trust built slowly over time

• The human need to feel valued and understood

• The tendency to believe someone who “knows” your personal life

• Shame that prevents people from seeking outside advice

Even highly educated professionals fall into similar traps. Intelligence does not shield people from emotional manipulations and engineering. The tragic part is that many victims might sense discomfort along the way—but they refuse to admit it. Once trust is built, doubt feels like betrayal of friendship.

An Uncomfortable but Necessary Lesson

This type of crime also reveals another problem, specially true in the case of this Queens man. In an age where strangers can share our most intimate thoughts through a screen, the line between real and fake relationships has become dangerously blurred. Ordinary people underestimate how deeply they can be influenced by invisible "bonds" or "friendship."

What This Case Truly Warns Us About

This tragedy teaches some lessons:

• Friendship or emotional bonds without verification is dangerous.

• Online relationships feel real—but they offer no real protection.

• Shame and silence protect scammers far more than ignorance does.

Most of all, it warns us that the real risk today may not be a masked thief in the dark, but a friendly voice greeting you every morning through a phone screen.

Today I received a message from a friend at the YMCA, where I used to go swimming before my Xinjiang trip in September. Her message reminded me of the people there and unexpectedly brought back a familiar rhythm of my life from not long ago. I missed the time spent at YMCA.

Swimming has always been a good and safe form of exercise for me—gentle on my back, helpful for my posture. More than that, it gave me a small social circle. I could chat with people, exchange smiles, and feel connected. Still, after some thought, I’ve decided to take a break from it for now.

The most obvious reason is time. It takes nearly two hours each day to drive to the YMCA, swim, shower, chat sometimes and return home. At this stage of life, I’m becoming more aware of how limited time feels. Reading, writing, housework, piano practice, strength training—each one seems small on its own, yet together they already fill my days. Something had to go.

Another reason is that I now need more challenging exercise to improve my VO₂ max. Swimming keeps me healthy, but it no longer pushes me in the way I need physically.

I’ve also been swimming regularly for over two years. It has served me well, and I’m grateful for what it has given me. But I’m beginning to feel that at this stage of life, I should remain flexible enough to choose a different path when needed, instead of doing the same thing day in and day out simply out of habit. Perseverance is important, but so is the courage to make a change.

And perhaps most importantly, I’m trying to live a more diverse life, one that includes not just physical fitness but also mental growth and new directions. Diversity always comes at the cost of time, choosing one over the other.

As for the social part I’ll be missing, I believe it can take a different form. I’m thinking of adding some volunteer tutoring to my life. Human connection doesn’t belong to just one place. If I truly want it, there is always another way to find it.

I came to realize that growing older is not only about doing less—it’s about choosing more carefully. Time becomes more precious with age, and so do the choices we make with it. Sometimes, even a good habit must step aside to make room for something that feels more necessary. Or simply try another daily routine when needed.

It’s been a quiet Monday after Thanksgiving.

A couple of things happened during the holiday that I thought were worth writing about.

First, I sent Thanksgiving greetings to many of my friends, especially those I hadn’t been in touch with for a while—just to let them know I was thinking of them during the holiday. Some people might say that thoughts are cheap, but I think otherwise.

Second, I invited my sister’s son over, since Thanksgiving in America is really a time for family reunions. He came with some expensive gifts for us, which was very kind of him. We had a wonderful time together—him, my children, and us.

Yesterday I wrote to him, “Next time, don’t buy gifts again. Your coming is gift enough. If you really want to bring something, just bring a little something to eat, like snacks.”

He replied, “Auntie, this is just good manners. We Beijingers care about showing courtesy, don’t we?”

I wrote back, “I’ve never been one to fuss over formalities like that. The older I get, the more I value simplicity and substance. Besides, people don’t really lack material things anymore. Spending too much money just feels like a waste to me.

I often tell my younger friends that sometimes a small, unintentional gesture or even a simple greeting from the younger generation is enough to brighten an elder’s day—or even longer.”

He hasn’t replied since. I hope he’ll keep in mind what I said next time. At this stage of life, I’ve come to believe that thoughtfulness is never cheap—it’s often the most precious thing. What I cherish is his presence. I don’t want his trips burdened by airfares and expensive gifts. Some things mean far more than anything money can buy.

Thanksgiving is around the corner, and soon the holiday season will give way to a brand-new year—a time when many of us start thinking about New Year’s resolutions.

Whenever I bring up resolutions, I can almost hear my children teasing me with Ronald Reagan’s famous line to Jimmy Carter during their 1980 debate: “There you go again.” And honestly, I understand the cynicism. Most of us have made plans we never carried through.

Yet planning matters—not only for individuals but also for countries. China, for instance, just passed its 15th Five-Year Plan for 2026–2030. As Michael Hyatt points out, people don’t fail because they lack willpower or self-discipline. They fail because they lack a system for making and executing plans.

In his Your Best Year Ever: A 5-Step Plan for Achieving Your Most Important Goals, Hyatt outlines such a system. His five steps are:

1. Believe in possibilities

2. Reflect on the past

3. Plan for the future

4. Find your motivation

5. Put it into action

Step One: Believe in Possibility
Before anything else, we must clear out negative thoughts and self-limiting beliefs. As Hyatt writes, “Impossible has never been a fact—it’s merely an opinion.” Only when you believe change is possible can you generate the motivation to pursue meaningful goals.

Step Two: Reflect on the Past
One major reason goals fail is that we drag the worst of our past into our future. Unresolved failures become emotional baggage that weighs us down. Hyatt highlights two key themes here: regret and gratitude.

Regret, he says, is a gift. Research shows that strong regret often fuels decisive action—a phenomenon known as the “principle of opportunity.” Breakthroughs often begin at the very spot where regret sits heaviest. So it’s worth asking: What do I regret most from the past few years? And more importantly: If I don’t want this regret to repeat, what part of my life needs to change?

Gratitude is the second theme—a skill that helps us shift from scarcity to abundance, to recognize what we already have rather than fixate on what we lack. Hyatt recommends simple but consistent practices: gratitude meditations upon waking and before sleeping, brief reflections before meals, or keeping a gratitude journal. As he puts it, “Start and end the day with prayer… focusing on the blessings I do have.”

Summarizing the past doesn’t drain you; it replenishes your emotional reserves and fuels what comes next.

Step Three: Plan for the Future
Hyatt insists that annual planning must be done in writing. Putting thoughts into words forces clarity. He uses the SMARTER framework: Specific, Measurable, Actionable, Risky, Time-bound, Exciting, and Relevant.

“Risky” means your goals should stretch you beyond your comfort zone. “Exciting” means the goals must matter to you—not to others’ expectations.

Step Four: Find Your Motivation
Motivation isn’t magic—it’s a system. Small, scientifically informed habits can help your brain work with your goals rather than against them.

Step Five: Put Plans into Action
This step is about building a review system that keeps long-term goals visible in daily life. Hyatt recommends three levels:

• Daily review: one minute every morning. Ask: What can I do today to move one step closer to my annual goals? Write down your top three tasks—no more.

• Weekly review: about twenty minutes. Reconnect with your motivation, reflect on progress and obstacles, and set your “Big Three” goals for the week.

• Quarterly review: with around eight annual goals spreading across four quarters, every three months you pause to celebrate wins, restart stalled efforts, revise goals, or even delete and replace goals that no longer fit.

This three-tier structure ensures your goals never fade into background noise. They become a steady rhythm of deliberate, daily actions.

As the new year approaches, I’m planning to give Hyatt’s method an honest try. Like each New Year, our resolutions come and go, but the big question remains: how do we shape a life that aligns with who we hope to become? Perhaps the answer lies in a system that turns goals into daily actions. In learning to review our days, weeks, and seasons, we are really learning to review our lives — and, little by little, to steer them with greater clarity and purpose.