Yanwen’s blog

Wednesday a friend of mine from Kansas contacted me about her son's college application this coming fall.

The boy always got the highest grades in his school. But when I asked her about extracurricular activities, academic competitions, and summer internships, there wasn't much to mention. When I asked her about the kid's interest and passions, she knows none.

It turns out they live in a small town in Missouri, populated mostly by what she described as "red-neck folks." The school counselor is not very involved in students' academic futures, and the peer pressure in such an environment is not academically oriented.

When I asked why they didn't move to the Blue Valley school district, known for its excellent counselors and rich resources, she said she doesn’t want to be a tiger mom. She prefers a laissez-faire approach to parenting, describing herself as a "sheep mom."

I think she conflates two different things: (1) parenting style and (2) providing the best resources for her child. It’s perfectly acceptable to adopt a laissez-faire parenting style, allowing children the freedom to explore and discover their passions. However, it is a disservice to the child if we can provide more opportunities for exploration and discovery but choose not to.

Children born and raised in environments with limited resources are at a disadvantage compared to those with plenty.

This reminds me of another friend who moved to an apartment near Shawnee Mission East High School for her daughter. They previously lived in downtown Kansas City, an area with a high concentration of low-income workers and limited resources. The move, which doubled their rent, was worth it because their daughter thrived in the new environment, eventually attending college and becoming a senior manager at a company in Dallas.

Here’s another one. A study in the U.S found that children in poor families hear about 600 words per hour, while those in professional families hear 2,100 words. This gap accumulates to a difference of 30 million words by the time the children reach age 3, resulting in a huge disparity in cognitive development. Consequently, there later established the “30 Million Words Initiative” to encourage more communication between parents and children. The study underscores the importance of a rich growing up environment.

This situation brings to mind the story of Meng Mu, who moved three times for her son’s education, known as 孟母三迁 (Meng Mu San Qian).

The essence of it all is: it's not about being a tiger mom or a sheep mom; it's about ensuring the children have the best opportunities that we can provide to grow and succeed. By doing so, we can help them achieve their fullest potential without compromising their happiness.

Today is the Fourth of July. Yesterday, I noticed American flags hanging on some people's doors. Naturally, the flag brings to mind concepts like patriotism, independence, freedom from British rule, and other patriotic elements.

In my mind, patriotism shares some similarities with religion. Both rely on symbols, such as flags and religious icons, which people hold sacred, and rituals, like national anthems and religious ceremonies, through which they express their beliefs and values.

Both patriotism and religious belief often involve heavy emotional attachment and enthusiasm. People can feel a strong sense of pride, loyalty, and identity in their country or faith.

Moreover, both entail a certain level of blind or uncritical acceptance. With that, people embrace religious or national narratives or myths from authorities without question. While some criticize blind faith in religious doctrines, they should also see the same dose of blindness in patriotic fervor. Both religious and patriotic emotions can run amok, leading to extreme behaviors and uncritical acceptance of authority.

The extreme expression of patriotic fervor is nationalism, which can lead to aggression towards other nations, as in the case of Nazi Germany.

Patriotism is laudable in most cases. As we celebrate the Fourth of July, we should remember that being patriotic with critical thinking might prevent blindness.

Another thing happened yesterday. We went to Costco with a young couple and their brand-new baby. The baby boy reminds me of my son at that age.

Back then, we had a Jewish friend named Debra. Her husband was a visiting professor from Madison, Wisconsin. Debra's sister had tried but was unable to have a baby. One day, she looked at my son and said, “My sister would give a million for your beautiful baby. I’m serious.” We were living on graduate student TA stipends. I was working on my dissertation, but I wouldn't give up my baby for any amount of money.

This experience I want to share with my young friends: 前途是光明，道路是曲折 (qián tú shì guāng míng, dào lù shì qū zhé) – "The future is bright, but the road is full of hardships."

As we reflect on our national pride and personal journeys, it’s important to remember that both require perseverance, critical thinking, a clear head, and a strong sense of values. Just as the forefathers of this country fought for independence with hope and resilience, we too must navigate the complexities of life with wisdom and unwavering dedication to what truly matters in the long run. In the end, both our personal and national stories are better written by the challenges we conquer and the great personal qualities with which we confront them and embody.

Utica, a small city in New York, came into the international spotlight when the BBC reported, "Boy, 13, shot dead by New York police had replica gun, authorities say." This tragic event occurred at the end of June in Utica, NY, USA.

The significance of this incident in a small city is underscored by the fact that it drew attention from global news outlets like the BBC.

The victim, Nyah Mwa, was a member of the Karen ethnic minority community in Utica. This city, with a population of about 65,000, is home to nearly 8,000 people from Myanmar. Most of them came as refugees, fleeing their country to escape oppression. They are deeply grateful to the country that opened its doors to them. With that grateful mindset, they naturally tend to idealize American society.

Nyah's parents and three siblings are devastated beyond words. His sister said, “My brother was an outgoing kid who loved to be outside biking and playing with his friends and family. Our parents and grandparents did not flee war and a corrupt military to be persecuted by American police.”

This is undoubtedly a real tragedy. However, I doubt the police will face punishment for this. The officer was justified in chasing the boy, suspecting him to be involved in an armed robbery because he resembled the description of the criminal. The boy ran only to make things worse. Additionally, the shooting would likely be deemed self-defense, as the officer believed the boy was aiming a real gun at him.

This incident is reminiscent of Michael Brown's case in Ferguson, Missouri. In the end, the court ruled that the police officer acted in self-defense when he killed Brown.

Beyond the immediate tragedy, there is a deeper one rooted in the family's idealized view of American society and a lack of understanding of its realities.

First, law enforcement officers are not immune to racial profiling or bias. We have witnessed too many such cases recently.

Second, if a cop suspects you of any criminal activity, running away only increases their suspicion and intensifies the pursuit. The commonsense practice is to stop and raise your hands high.

Third, brandishing a toy gun at an officer is incredibly dangerous and literally invites lethal consequences. This is the last thing you should do. But that's exactly what the boy did before his death.

A fitting Chinese saying for this situation is "水土不服" (shuǐ tǔ bù fú), which literally translates to "unable to adapt to the local water and soil." This describes someone who is uprooted from the land and culture that nurtured and raised them and is struggling but fail to adapt to a new environment or culture. In the context of the Utica tragic incident, this saying captures the idea that Nyah Mwa's family, who fled from a war-torn country to the U.S., may not have been fully prepared for the cultural and societal differences they encountered, leading to devastating loss.

Most importantly, Nyah Mwa's death serves as a stark lesson for all immigrants to America: be prepared. It is crucial to learn about American culture and society and understand what they are in for and how to protect themselves when facing law enforcement officers.

A friend of mine recently recounted one of her moments when exiting Walmart. This reminded me of our experiences at Walmart in St. Louis last summer.

It was very unpleasant, to say the least. We stopped at a Walmart to pick up some fruits before visiting our friends in St. Louis. We were in a huge rush and forgot to take the receipt after self-checkout. The guy at the door stopped us for the receipt.

We went back and found it gone. But the guy insisted on having the receipt. They have a surveillance camera above. "Why don't you check your recording over there to see we did pay for it?" I said. But they would not do it for us. It takes another level of security personnel to do it.

Finally, the manager arrived. "Check your transaction history from your database. We paid about $24 with a credit card, ending xxxx." It took a long time for her to retrieve it because their system is older than your grandfather's age.

The whole time I felt like a shoplifter until I could prove otherwise. Why do customers have to prove their innocence with a receipt? I felt extremely frustrated.

I understand the need for receipt-checking due to the surge of store theft and the billion-dollar loss as a result. I see various mechanisms installed against theft, including locking up valuable items. Now it takes a long time to find a Walmart person to get a locked-up item. Shopping experience hit the bottom low at Walmart.

Because of my story, I was delighted to hear a story in which a person wins a battle over Walmart. She bought a whole cart of items at Walmart. It would take a long time if a Walmart door person itemized her receipt at the door. So, at the door, she showed the long receipt and told the guy with stone seriousness, "Don't touch my items. Legally, once I paid for these items, they don't belong to Walmart. Walmart has no right to touch my personal items." The Walmart guy understood and just surveyed the cart without touching any of the items.

Legally, in fact, the store cannot force a customer to show a receipt upon leaving the store unless they suspect that customer has committed a theft.

Because we don't want to get into any trouble, we just obeyed. There is a Chinese saying, 入乡随俗 (rù xiāng suí sú), meaning "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." For peace of mind, I think this is the best policy to follow.

However, this incident made me focus on the balance between security measures and customer experience. The challenge is how we can prevent theft and at the same time treat all customers with respect and dignity. The frustration and indignity we felt could have been avoided with a bit more understanding and flexibility from the store staff.

Perhaps more efficient technology or better staff training could help achieve this balance. For now, as customers, while we try to understand the store's situation, we also need to know our legal rights.

Let us hope that with the reduction in store theft, the practice of receipt checking will become obsolete someday.

Just as we adapt to local customs for peace of mind, stores should also strive to create a more humane and respectful environment, so we all feel valued and respected as we should be in a civilized country.

Two seemingly unrelated events recently have left me feeling uneasy. First, a few days ago, our neighbor informed us of a burglary in the house next to ours. It was a Friday evening when the burglars broke in through the back door. Fortunately, no one was hurt as the house was empty at the time. Our neighbor attributed the rise in property crime to the influx of undocumented immigrants into New York city.

I'm not sure of that, though historically, society often sees spikes in property crime during times of economic recession, depression, or chaos, like a pandemic. The Great Depression in the 1930s is a prime example, when various property crimes, including theft and burglary, surged due to widespread poverty and hardship. It's difficult to blame people for resorting to illegal activities when their families are hungry, and they have no means to provide for them.

Modern societies, particularly those like the U.S. that claim to be humanitarian leaders, should do their utmost to alleviate hardships by meeting basic needs like food and shelter. Furthermore, if the government permits the inflow of undocumented immigrants, it should also provide comprehensive support, such as job opportunities and skills training. In addition to these measures, crime prevention efforts should not be neglected.

The second event involves a conversation with my son yesterday. He mentioned that his college classmate, who recently got married, plans to buy a six-bedroom house worth over $2m. I told my son that young people in China today prioritize experiences over possessions. Instead of acquiring large houses, fancy cars, or brand-name goods, they invest their money in enriching life experiences. My son responded that Americans want both.

At that moment, I thought of the many undocumented immigrants and the phrase "朱门酒肉臭，路有冻死骨" (zhū mén jiǔ ròu chòu, lù yǒu dòng sǐ gǔ). It means, "Behind the red gates of the rich are wine and meat that go to waste, while out on the road lie the frozen bones of the poor." This saying vividly captures the stark contrast between the opulence and wastefulness of the wealthy and the abject suffering of the poor. A story that perfectly matches this sentiment is "The Little Match Girl" by Hans Christian Andersen.

The huge disparities between these two extremes existed in the past and are still present today, even when we are supposed to be so much more advanced.

In reflecting on these events, it's clear that if we want a safe and secure environment to live in, we can't sit idle without addressing economic inequality and providing support for those in need, for no man is an island and the bell tolls for thee. The challenge lies in balancing the pursuit of personal wealth and comfort with a commitment to social responsibility and empathy for those less fortunate. Only by addressing these disparities can we hope to make real progress toward a more equitable and safe world for all.