Yanwen’s blog

Last Sunday evening's meeting with my Korean student left me rather worrisome. She shared with me what happened during the week.

First, her father went to the emergency room for pneumonia on top of his Parkinson's disease. She had planned to have her parents over for the summer, but now she has to cancel the trip and the air tickets.

Second, her husband's contract job will end next month, and he will be unemployed if he can't find another job soon. It's a big burden on her. She said, "Misfortunes never come singly," and wondered why life becomes so stressful as she turns 40.

I explained to her a saying in China about people at her age, 人到中年, 上有老, 下有小 (rén dào zhōngnián, shàng yǒu lǎo, xià yǒu xiǎo), meaning: when you reach middle age, you are caught in between dual responsibilities: caring for the elderly above and children below. The saying fully captures the challenges and pressures facing people in this stage of life.

In China, people in her situation have a few common worries. Number one is job security. People fear the loss of income for the whole family. The second thing on their worry list is divorce, as people tend to fight more when going gets tough. Third, they themselves succumb to some illness due to the stress and also their own body hormone changes.

I didn't share the worry list with her because she already has some bumpy moments in her marriage and is already facing her husband's impending job loss. They have many unhappy exchanges, which only adds to her stress.

I reminded her of two things. First, when she is burdened with the care of others, she must take good care of herself first. It is very important that she be strong and become the pillar and pacifier in her family so they can sail through the storm safely.

Second, I reminded her not to forget to enjoy life and find happiness whenever she can. 

Life is to be enjoyed, not merely endured. She should try to put things in perspective—life shall move on, this too shall pass. By focusing on enjoying her time with her children and finding moments of joy, she can find some comfort while navigating these bumpy roads.

By acknowledging her struggles and reminding her to prioritize self-care and find joy in the little moments, she can find it easier to face the pressures of middle age and emerge stronger, more resilient, and happier.

I wish someone had told me this when I was in her situation.

Yesterday I talked to my youngest sister about life in America and in China. She thinks the job market is super competitive 内卷 (nèi juǎn, internal competition) in China and that life is a lot easier in America than in China. It really depends. There is no one-size-fits-all answer.

It is true that the job market in China is highly competitive, especially in urban areas like Beijing. Many young professionals feel immense pressure to perform and succeed. Beijing to China is more like America to the world.

In China, there is also some cultural bias against taking low-end service jobs for college graduates, such as restaurant workers, janitors, lawn care, security guards, delivery persons, baristas, or any unskilled job or even blue-collar workers. I don't think my sister's son would take any of these jobs.

On the other hand, there are some bright sides to living in Beijing, especially if you have financial and emotional support. Take my first sister’s son for example. He lives in Beijing now, in an apartment given to him by his parents who also pay the HOA and utilities fees. He only needs to take care of his food and spare money. There’s no danger of his becoming homeless. This kind of support alleviates huge financial burdens, so the young man can chase his dreams, travel, and enjoy a stable living environment, relatively free from too much worry. Of course, his situation would be different if he didn't have this financial support.

Another support is emotional and psychological. Coming from a culture that emphasizes collectivity and togetherness, my nephew is not used to the American culture that emphasizes individualism and independence. He was in America for his bachelor’s degree and could not get over homesickness and his longing for his friends in China.

Many young people in America must take care of their own rent and utilities independently, which can be a substantial financial strain. The risk of homelessness is very real in America for those without a strong support network or sufficient income.

On the whole, life in America can be adventurous and opportunistic, offering numerous paths for personal ambitions and professional growth. However, it also comes with challenges such as high living costs and the need for specialized skills, along with a lack of support and safety nets that seem more prevalent.

Moreover, making a decent living in America entails both hard work and a willingness to learn and acquire hard skills. Many Chinese 小皇帝 (xiǎo huángdì, little emperors), the only child in their family, grow up in a very sheltered life and find themselves not prepared for the challenges of living in America.

One section that stands out in the U.S. is its education system. The Chinese one is highly competitive from an early age, with a single focus on academic achievements, leading to entrance exams for prestigious schools and universities.

The American K-12 public school system is generally less competitive and more relaxed compared to China, so children can enjoy their childhood in a less stressful environment. On another side, Chinese parents are not as worried about mass shootings in China as the American parents are. Safety is a real concern in America.

I hope people can recognize that both countries have their unique sets of advantages and challenges. If we idealize life in America without understanding and preparing for the potential difficulties, we set ourselves up for unrealistic expectations and disappointments.

Conversely, appreciating the strengths and acknowledging the weaknesses of both systems can lead to a more balanced and informed perspective.

By understanding and respecting the differences and similarities between life in America and China, we can make more informed decisions about where and how we want to live.

The day after the big event I mentioned last Friday, I found myself reflecting on many things I wanted to write about yesterday. However, I was too tired after getting back, so I had to postpone until today.

We left home around 7 am, preparing for the event, which started at 10. By the time we returned, it was about 6:30 pm. The entire day was spent outside in temperatures exceeding 90 degrees Fahrenheit.

I was pleasantly surprised to see many local government representatives who came and gave speeches on stage. On second thought, it makes sense that the Chinese community needs to maintain a good relationship with local governments.

Many children had a great time playing games, and the performances were impressive, even to an amateur like me.

One issue that stood out to me was the lack of inter-alumni mingling. People didn't do much moving around and talking to each other at this social event.

Next to our check-in team was the Peking University (Bei-da) alumni association, and next to them was Tsinghua University (Qinghua). I noticed a group of Bei-da young people struggling to set up their canopy tent. Initially, they had the roof-raising pole facing downward. When the tent refused to stand, one young man suggested turning the tent inside out so the pole would face the sky. As they began this process, I was watching and couldn't help but intervene. I stepped in and told them, "Stop. All you need to do is hold the four legs, push the pole upward to raise the roof, close the strips, then adjust the leg height."

Despite this initial interaction, the Bei-da folks mostly stayed within their group for the rest of the event. They didn't do much mingling with other associations. I walked around and observed the same behavior with other alumni groups; everyone pretty much stayed within their own circle.

I was hoping people would move around more, talk to others, and make friends with attendees from different schools, thereby broadening their networks and connections. After all, what's the point of having an all-hands event with participants from 33 colleges and universities if we don't seize the opportunity to connect with each other and to make more friends?

Reflecting on the event, it was clear that while it was successful in many ways, there is room for improvement when it comes to fostering more interaction among attendees. Encouraging more inter-alumni mingling can significantly enhance the value of such social gatherings, creating a more connected and supportive community. For some, it might have been a missed opportunity for something they never knew they needed.

Every Friday evening, I teach English online to a 6-year-old girl. Before we started the whole thing, I asked her mother to find her a study buddy or partner. If she couldn't find one, I suggested she play that role herself. Unfortunately, she didn't do either.

Yesterday, I spent some time explaining to the mother why having at least one study buddy is important. I began by talking about company culture, since she owns a few stores in Beijing. I explained that the purpose of a company culture is to create shared norms, values, standard behaviors, an environment or atmosphere, and 同伴压力 (tóng bàn yā lì) peer pressure.

A good company culture works like good peer pressure. It encourages employees to perform well because they see their peers doing the same, such as avoiding the use of inappropriate language in the office.

Additionally, by giving accolades to people for their extraordinary performance, as one of my previous employers did, the company aims to create positive pressure on other employees to compete for accolades by outperforming each other.

Similarly, having study buddies for her daughter can create a positive peer pressure to learn. The more study buddies, the better. They can motivate and emulate each other, share knowledge, and make learning more enjoyable. I remember my children were always more productive when they buddied up with friends doing homework.

It's true that managing people is complicated, but peer pressure works like a miracle among children. They have a strong need for belonging, acceptance, and friendship, which, in our case, can be fulfilled by having study buddies.

Peer pressure can be more impactful than parents. Parents just need to make sure they are good pressures. By helping create a supportive and collaborative peer environment for learning, we can harness the power of positive peer pressure to help children thrive.

Encouraging the system of study buddies is a small but significant step towards building a positive peer pressure with a microculture of shared learning and growth. It's also an opportunity for our children to enjoy the support and companionship they need for learning and growing up.

Tomorrow, 6/22, will see the event of 2024 Joint Picnic and Culture Fest at the NJ Overpeck County Park Amphitheater. The organizers of the event include mainly the 33 Chinese college and university alumni associations in Greater New York Area. This event will feature delicious food, live music, performances, games, sports, cultural exhibitions, a raffle gifts, and many other activities. We anticipate over 800 attendees, with more than 100 volunteers involved in the preparation and operation of this event.

When I mentioned the number of volunteers to someone, they asked, "Why do you need so many volunteers? What are you talking about in these meetings?” After explaining the extensive work involved in just one section, they cut me off, saying, "Cut it out. I don't want to listen to it."

Reflecting on my involvement in preparing for the event in the past few months, I deeply appreciate the hard work of all the volunteers. To give you an idea of the scale of this project, our volunteers divided into several sections:

• Design and Coordination
• Sponsors
• Finance
• Advertising
• Security
• Performance
• Stage and Equipment
• Prizes and tickets 
• Food and Meals
• Vendors
• Cultural Corner
• Dating Corner
• Career Corner
• Brain Teaser Games
• Children's Games
• Adult Games
• Alumni Exhibitions
• Transportation
• Photography and record
• Media
• Volunteer Gear
• Purchasing team
• Location decoration 
• Legal Team
• Check-in Team

Each task is managed by a dedicated leader. With over 33 participating alumni associations, each association has a contact person to ensure smooth communication and coordination.

The preparation work is immense and thorough, and I can't imagine completing it without the selfless work and time of our vast volunteer teams. Their commitment to giving their time and energy is truly commendable and essential to making this event a success. As the Chinese saying goes, "人多力量大" (rén duō lì liàng dà – Strength comes from unity). Our volunteers embody this spirit, demonstrating that when many people come together, their combined efforts can achieve remarkable results.

Working behind the scene, I see clearly that our volunteer spirits are the engine and the heartbeat of this event. Our efforts go beyond just tasks and responsibilities; we are building a community, fostering connections, and creating a space where cultures and values can be celebrated and enjoyed by all. Every hour spent, every detail attended to, and every smile shared contributes to its success.

To me, it is more meaningful than an event. It is a celebration of the incredible spirit of volunteerism. Together, we are creating fun and memories, and strengthening the bonds that bring us together — and where every moment is a testament to the power of collective efforts and the glorious spirit of volunteerism that we all value in a community.