Yanwen’s blog

A few days ago, I heard of this saying in Chinese, 重新养育自己 (chóng xīn yǎng yù zì jǐ), which translates to "reparenting oneself" or "self-reparenting." At first, I thought it was just a trendy concept in China.

A little research told me it's been around since the early 1970s. The concept of reparenting was developed within a psychoanalytic theory called transactional analysis.

The assumption goes this way: our childhood experiences and our upbringings stay with us and influence us unconsciously during adulthood. We are so captivated by this experience that it's like we are living under the spell of the past.

Reparenting ourselves is a self-directed process to break the spell of past parenting. e.g. if your childhood lacked love and support, you reparent yourself now with the love, support, and validation that your parents failed to provide.

Another example, if you grew up always hearing criticism or negative feedback from your parents, your self-talk as an adult tends to echo what you heard from your parents. You might say things like, "It's just like me to make stupid mistakes," or "I'm so stupid." Reparenting yourself involves giving yourself praise and positive feedback instead. This is so much like the way I was raised with too many criticism. In fact I don't remember being on the receiving end of any praise.

Many adults with difficult upbringings find themselves lacking the confidence and positive self-talk needed to thrive. Reparenting oneself helps these adults gain confidence and the skills needed to succeed in life.

I like the idea of reparenting ourselves because we can't choose how we were parented, but we can choose how we reparent ourselves.

Reparenting oneself is a powerful tool for personal growth and healing. It allows us to take control of our narratives and reshape the impact of our past on us today.

By recognizing the negative influences of our upbringing and actively working to counteract them, we can break free from old patterns and create a more positive and fulfilling future. More importantly, life is about doing what we can do now, instead of licking and lamenting past wounds.

Finally, use the self-reparenting tool to nurture and support ourselves in the ways we always deserved, ultimately leading to greater self-awareness, emotional well-being and a happy journey ahead.

Sunday meetings with my Korean student always bring up something new for me to think about. During our last meeting, we talked about the retirement systems in America and South Korea.

There are both similarities and differences between the retirement systems of South Korea and the U.S. In both countries, retirees receive money from a mix of sources.

However, there is one significant difference between the two. In South Korea, corporate pensions are common, which is rare among U.S. private companies. Instead, American companies encourage employees to contribute to their own retirement accounts, such as 401(k) plans, by matching about 3% of the employee's contribution up to a certain annual cap.

Although both countries have capitalist systems, the relative absence of corporate pensions in the U.S. reflects broader cultural differences between the two countries.

American culture is characterized by strong individualism and freedom, with an emphasis on personal responsibility and self-reliance, and super downplaying the role of a collective and the government. When it comes to retirement, individuals are encouraged to take charge, rather than relying on the company or the government.

With maximum personal freedom comes the huge responsibility for the consequences of one's choices. You decide how to save for your retirement, and as a result, you are expected to live with the consequences of your decisions.

In contrast, Korean culture retains some of its traditional values, emphasizing community, family, and social harmony. Individuals still consider the needs and expectations of the group.

There is also a stronger sense of interdependence among family members, communities, and within society. Support systems are often more collective, with families playing a crucial role in caring for elderly relatives.

In conclusion, the differences in retirement systems between South Korea and the U.S. sharply highlight the cultural values that shape each society. While Americans prioritize individualism, freedom and self-reliance, Koreans emphasize community and familial support. Understanding these cultural contexts can help us appreciate the diverse approaches to retirement planning around the world, and also prepare people financially if they decide to retire in the U.S.

Incidentally, China and South Korean share heavily with the emphasis on the collective and interdependence, even though the two countries follow different system.

I have learned about the 80-year-old Carl Bernstein from the book "All the President's Men," the Pulitzer Prize-winning work that he co-authored with Bob Woodward. The book brought to light the famous Watergate scandal.

Recently, I finished reading his 2022 memoir, "Chasing History: A Kid in the Newsroom." This memoir chronicles his experiences from age 16, when he nearly dropped out of high school, to his early 20s, highlighting his rise to a successful journalism career.

I have two key takeaways from his memoir:

First, this is a compelling coming-of-age story about personal growth. Despite lacking formal education or academic credentials, Bernstein's journey underscores the power of grit and determination. His success in the competitive field of journalism was entirely due to his passion and dedication. Once gain, we learn that with hard work and perseverance, one can achieve huge success even in highly competitive environments.

Second, Bernstein's success story emphasizes the importance of learning through practical experience. He gained his journalism skills on the job and through mentorship from his colleagues. This hands-on learning approach is crucial for career development, especially for young people today. It shows once again that real-world experience and on-the-job training can be more valuable than classroom instruction alone. It makes me think of many young people today going to graduate schools, assuming they could become more valuable with more degrees.

These lessons resonate personally with me as well. My son never took a formal class on entrepreneurship, yet he has been actively engaged in entrepreneurial activities even in his high school years. And he has learned and grown on the job in ways that traditional education might not have provided.

Finally, Bernstein's memoir serves as an inspiring testament to the power of perseverance and experiential learning. His story teaches us that success isn't solely determined by academic credentials. This message is particularly relevant today, as it encourages young people to seize opportunities for more hands-on experience, and embrace non-traditional paths to success. Bernstein's journey reminds us that the road to achievement is paved by our determination and real-world engagement.

Today is June First, International Children's Day! Happy Children's Day! The Day was first proclaimed in 1925 in Geneva during the World Conference on Child Welfare. It is celebrated today in many countries outside the U.S.

On Children's Day, many fond memories of childhood activities come back, with lots of carefree days in the suburbs of Tianjin. Perhaps there's some truth to the saying—there is a little child in each of us, and some part of our early experiences and childhood memories never go away.

On this day, I think of the words of a young father. When commenting on the amount of money pouring into his new baby, he said, "He is worth millions. No money can buy this."

On this day, I also reflect on the profound positive impact children have on parents' lives. Often, we think about how parents guide and nurture children during their growing-up journey. Seldom do we realize that children provide us an opportunity for another journey: one of self-growth and self-discovery for parents, if we are open to such growth.

One of the most transformative parts of parenting is reconnecting with our inner child and retrieving something we lose in our hectic adult lives. Being with a young child, rediscovering the simple pleasures we have overlooked, the joy and playfulness, all remind us that life is not all work and no fun and the purpose of life is to enjoy it. Children help awaken in us the spontaneous smile, the appreciation of small wonders in daily life, 小满 and much more of what we lose on the way to becoming adults.

When it comes to being empathetic and authentic, open and unbiased, curious and exploring, natural and unpretentious, children are our best teachers.

This open-minded reciprocal relationship not only enriches our lives but also creates a nurturing environment for our children to grow into confident, emotionally healthy adults. As our children learn and grow, so do we, evolving and developing, finding new directions, new levels of empathy, patience, and joy of our own life.

As we enjoy International Children's Day, let the day be a reminder to us to embrace the joy, creativity, curiosity, spontaneity, authenticity, and wonder that childhood brings and to carry the magic of childhood with us every day.