Yanwen’s blog

Last Tuesday, 5/14, we went shopping with a young couple who are expecting their second baby in two weeks. Later, I learned that their apartment was fully packed with baby stuff.

This made me think of many things. Years ago, I was with a family that welcomed their first baby. I saw the same level of anxiety with them, busy with both the excitement and preparation for the new addition to the family, also having the house fully equipped with baby items.

It is natural for parents-to-be to get over-prepared by bringing home plenty of items. Still, I want to share with my young friends that having too many items means taking up your space and time, soon or later. Sometimes, it can become overwhelming, counterproductive, stressful, and burdensome.

From my own experience, what babies need most from the very beginning is their parents' time and loving presence. Their earliest hours are the best moments for human bonding and emotional attachment. No money, no materials, nothing can replace your physical closeness if you want to give them a healthy psychological start.

When my son was born, we were graduate students, living on scholarships. Yet, we gave him an abundance of what he needed to grow at that stage of life. We held him, read to him, and laughed with him. I remember reading books on parenting that emphasized parental presence instead of expensive presents, quality time instead of quantity of toys, and creating a clutter-free and peaceful environment for the baby.

The whole situation brought to my mind Eric Fromm's book on two modes of living: To Have Or to Be?  To have means to possess, focusing on material possessions, possessions of power, and even of people; to be means to experience, to enjoy, to love, and to live in the moment.

In the end, what truly matters is not how much we have, but the depth of our experiences and connections. For new parents, this means giving your baby your time, attention, and love, the things that truly last and impact their lives.

There was a touch of sadness that I couldn't whisk away for the whole evening. So I have to talk about this first thing in the morning.

Yesterday, while chatting with my sister's son about another possibility for his future, he said he was too old for that path. He is going to be 36 years old this year, holding three jobs and trying to make as much money as he can. It's great on one level.

I felt sad over the whole situation for many reasons. First, I sense the loss of his dream and ambition that he once held and so passionately talked about, that they represent the aspirations we all once had in our youth. This ambition of youth often holds symbolic meaning of hope and a sense of possibility, and it’s sad to see him letting it go.

Second, I see the pressure of daily practicality that forces us to compromise what we once dreamed of and reconciling it in real life. Do we have to make this shift from idealism to realism and allow this pursuit of worldly wealth to overshadow other pursuits? Can we prevent the loss of some part of us, perhaps our true self, in the process of pursuing financial success?

Third, I can also see the force of conventional expectations here, the notion that by a certain age, your path in life should be this or that. But it is too restrictive to allow society to define where we should be at a certain age. Perhaps opportunities shrink with age. Still, it sounds too final to feel old and to stop pursuing his dreams.

Ideally, dreams and ambitions are not confined by age and people at all age deserve to have their own aspirations. Perhaps the sadness I felt was not just for him, but for all of us, and his words suggest that our dreams have an expiration date. Perhaps the belief that dreams never die is more a belief than anything else.

It was a busy Sunday. We met up with a friend for lunch in Flushing. From there, we went to my son's place and had a small gathering with my sister's son.

Over lunch, my friend told me about her experience as a caregiver in China. She was there for a few months, taking care of her 87-year-old mother who had a stroke last year. As a result, her mother faces many challenges, from taking care of herself to speaking and writing. It was easy for her to feel despaired and lose the courage to keep living.

My friend hired a helper to care for her mother during the rehab period. Meanwhile, she was there not only assisting her recovery but, more importantly, being her cheerleader, providing her positive emotional and mental support.

Her mother is lucky to have a daughter who is there for her, offering emotional support and encouragement! Being her cheerleader is another new level of care, which is crucial to her healing process.

But my friend wasn't prepared for the enormous tolls of being a caregiver and cheerleader. Supporting an elderly parent recovering from a stroke involves huge physical, emotional, and mental effort. She felt overwhelmed and emotionally drained. She herself became depressed under the weight of caregiving.

Then she turned to writing, trying to get relief for herself. She put her thoughts, feelings, and daily experiences into words. Writing served as a powerful outlet for processing these experiences, allowing her to gain a new layer of mental clarity and inject new meanings into what she experiences. She also got the sense of relief she sought.

What I learned today is that writing is therapeutic. It is important for us to find coping mechanisms to maintain our mental health and well-being while dealing with demanding caregiving duties. 

Ending our day with a shared meal and heartfelt stories like this one reminds me of the strength found in friends and relatives, and the healing power of expressing oneself through writing.

I received several comments on my post yesterday about teaching English to a 6-year-old. Most of what I learned actually reinforces my previous belief that getting parents heavily involved is crucial.

My observations from some of my friends' children strongly support this. Those children graduated from a local Chinese school after dedicating one whole Sunday afternoon to the school for many years, but still cannot carry on a daily conversation in Chinese. In the end, their Chinese-speaking parents struggle to communicate with them in English.

On the other hand, my children did not go to Chinese school, yet they can speak like natives, not an easy trick for ABCs, mainly because we carried out daily conversations at home in Chinese.

By the way, if you do a survey on parental involvement in children's education, I bet the neighborhood that registers the lowest involvement see the highest high school dropout rate.

When consulting professionals here on this topic, the emphasis is always on teaching techniques. I’m sure those teaching in Chinese schools are well-versed in these methods, but without adequate and sincere parental involvement, the expected outcomes are often not achieved.

Parental involvement includes the followings:

• Keeping children motivated: Encouraging children consistently to maintain their interest in learning.
• Supervising homework: Making sure that the kids complete their assignments, especially if they are not yet well-disciplined.
• Providing positive feedback: Reinforcing children's efforts and achievements. Key to boost their confidence.
• Also very important is: parents need to learn how to have constructive conversations with their children. 
• Lead by example. Children are unlikely to focus on their studies if they see their parents constantly distracted by their cell phones.

Finally, while teaching techniques and methods are helpful, they are far from enough on their own. The active and genuine involvement of parents in their child's education is the only key that makes everything work. Ultimately, the effective teamwork between teachers and parents, school and family, is what makes children thrive in their learning journey.

I was asked by a young relative of mine in China to teach her 6-year-old English, online once a week. This makes me think of many ABCs (America-born Chinese) here in America. 

The ABCs are sent by their parents to a Chinese school to learn Chinese, also once a week. Unfortunately many graduating from Chinese schools can't even speak Chinese like native Chinese.

I want to ensure my relative's daughter doesn't face the same challenges. Things are made more difficult with online teaching. I have to crack my brain to see the real learning taking place.

In the past I have worked with high school kids and in recent years with adult students, having zero experience with a 6-year-old.

I need all the help that I can get from the girl's parents, making sure the girl reviews what she learns from me.

I am going to use the same method as with older students, setting achievable goals first. Of course, I will need to explain to her what a goal is. I told her parents to prepare some visual aid like a goal board to track her goal, like adding a star for the day she does her homework.

The young child needs constant positive feedback to stay motivated and fully engaged, so by the end of the week the parents should reward her with something for her progress toward the goal.

Since they are the first time parent, there's so much to share with them, because parental involvement in the child's learning journey is crucial. I need to teach the parents how to have engaging dialogues with the girl to encourage self reflection, like asking her "How did you do?" "What did you do well?" "If not well, what can you do differently next week?"

While challenging as it seems, I am trying to make her learning journey both enjoyable and effective, using the same tools as with adult students —setting achievable goals, providing constant positive feedback, and fostering meaningful dialogue between the child and her parents, confident that this supportive learning environment is key to growth and development for all of us, young and old alike.

Here’s a Chinese saying: 十年树木，百年树人: it takes ten years to grow a tree, but a hundred years to educate a person. Be patient.