Yanwen’s blog

Saturday I met my children, first time since I got back. As always, we had a good time together. They had many questions regarding my folks in Beijing.

When I told them that I didn't see the girlfriend of my sister's son, they asked me why. I gave them a few reasons: she's been busy or we are not really related since they are not married yet or it is too expensive to pay a visit to the elder or she feels that she has no reason to directly seek me out, especially if there's no clear purpose or if it may be perceived as disrupting my routine life.

Chinese culture has this hierarchical nature of relationships, where elders are typically given with a high level of respect and deference. Intergenerational relationships are dynamic and complex within Chinese culture. There's plenty of emphasis on the importance of respect for elders and the nuances of social etiquette.

Normally young people would initiate a meeting when they need advice, guidance, or assistance from the elder. This is to seek out the elder's counsel, especially if the elder is famous and successful. I am not that elder.

On the other hand, very few young people realize that even the smallest, seemingly careless gesture of care shown by the young towards their elders will be cherished and remembered fondly. Because that doesn't happen often.

In Chinese, 年轻人的不经意的一点表示, 都会被长辈们深深记住 （Niánqīng rén de bù jīngyì de yīdiǎn biǎoshì dōuhuì bèi zhǎngbèi men shēnshēn jì zhù).

A friend of mine pointed out a a missing piece in my story yesterday. Here's the comment: “说到底，他们还是有父母给他们兜底的一代。他们有的心理上的支持，我们这一代人是完全没有的。我们要考虑上一代，考虑自己，还要考虑下一代。他们顶不济了，老人还会给他们留下一些钱，还会给他们留至少一套房产。这就是他们的底气” 

That is, in the final analysis, young people today can enjoy life free from care at a young age because of the safety net provided by their parents. If they can't make ends meet, they can always turn to their parents who have more than enough now. Moreover they will most likely inherit a property. They have the full financial support from their parents. In contrast, our generation had to take care of the welfare of three generations: ours, that of our parents and the next generation.

This is mostly true. I know many young people travel abroad during the May First holiday, including my sister's son and his girlfriend. Another reason is young people today are paid hugely more now than before. I remember my first pay check from China Daily was ¥65, right off the college in 1982. I stopped getting even a penny from my parents since then. Instead I started giving back to them as soon as I could.

The contrast makes me think of disparities, or one disparity leading to another. One's life experience depends so much on his socio-economic status and family background. That is, people with abundance of financial support have opportunities to enjoy life from very young age. Those without may face challenges and constraints that limit their chance to more experiences in life and access to resources to thrive later in life.

The most meaningful of it all is the generational differences in China provide context on China's transformative journey since 1980s. With the increasing prosperity and stability that many families in China enjoy today, millions of Chinese parents today can provide greater opportunities and support for their children, which was not even in the wildest dream among older generations.

On my way from Beijing to Brussels, I had an interesting encounter with a young man of my daughter’s age. He sat on my left. He was going to Europe during the May 1st holiday. He seems very pro in the way he handles his travel agenda. We exchanged information and also WeChat contact.

He received his bachelor degree in China and a master in Britain, now working in a government agency in Beijing, being comfortably paid so he can enjoy travels like this. He is single, which he thinks is a good thing so he has the bachelor's freedom to travel whenever he has time like this. He has friends in Belgium. Together they are going to visit some European cities.

The young man's approach to travel sharply contrasts with my own experiences when I was his age. Back then, my focus was on saving for safety and postponing enjoyment until retirement.

It's fascinating to learn how young generation today embrace the opportunities presented to them. They truly live up to the guiding principle of Carpe diem or the philosophy of living life to the fullest.

It is always refreshing to intersect with people of different generations, backgrounds and outlook on life. I feel encouraged and inspired learning how they take time to enrich their life experience whether it's through travel, education, or personal pursuits.

Now that I have returned to the States, so much for the drama while I was in Beijing. There's something that I thought of when I was there. 

While discussing my children's careers with my sisters, I acknowledged that luck may have played a part, but I stressed to them the importance of being focus as a crucial factor, which brought up this book then The ONE Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth About Extraordinary Results, 2013, by Gary Keller, Jay Papasan.

Keller was pondering this: we all have 24 hours a day, why do some people succeed and some not? If we regard time as the initial asset in a person's career, everyone's asset is the same: 24 hours a day. Successful people are able to invest their asset well and get more returns than others. Keller believes that success often hinges on how effectively we invest our time and energy and how we narrow our goals and maintaining laser-like focus prioritizing and avoiding distractions.

Keller dispels the 6 lies that obstruct us from achieving success. (1) Everything matters equally. (2) Multitasking. (3) A disciplined life. (4) Willpower is always on will-call. (5) A balanced life. (6) Big is bad.

If you want to achieve extraordinary results, first you must know what is the most important thing that you can do in 5 years, this year, this month, this week, today and this very moment. Keller suggests using backward working method from a future goal to actions at the moment to make sure that our daily efforts align with our long-term goals.

Finally, according to Keller, the key to success includes a clear goal and unwavering commitment to the ONE THING, the most important tasks at the moment.

My first sister recalled this incident happened in 2018 when she was in the U.S. to see her son. The boy was 20 years old going to college there.

At the end of the semester, my sister went to his college to fetch him back. The school was almost empty. My sister was excited to see her son but she could see that the boy didn't share her excitement in going home with her.

Indeed, he went straight from his college to K-State with his friend and didn't get back until after my sister asked him to.

Considering the fact that my sister had a high hope for spending more time with her son after traveling all the way from China, her disappointment must have been magnified by his choosing to spend some time with his friends away from his mother.

My sister has all the right to feel unappreciated and hurt. But she buried it all inside without saying anything at that time. Still she describes it vividly even today.

It's possible that the son was not mature enough to fully realize the impact his actions had on his mother and the significance of her visit. In this case, when facing immature adult child, I think parents should communicate their wishes clearly beforehand, like "I am coming over to see you. If you have other commitments, I can come over another time." Open communication between my sister and her son could make life easy for both.

I told my second sister who is going to Shanghai to see her son, "Ultimately parents need to realize and accept the fact that children have their own priorities in life. Children may want to spend time with their friends or their better half or doing something else which they consider more important than spending time with the parents."