Yanwen’s blog

About a college classmate of mine, I know she has a rather dominant personality, still I never expect to hear such a drama about her from my friend.

Here's the story. Once her elder son came home for Christmas with his wife. On the Christmas Eve, under the watching eyes and anxious expectation of all, the elder son opened the gift boxes -- one, two, three, four, all went to his wife. Unable to hold her disappointment anymore, the mother, without waiting till the end of the unwrapping, threw into a long towering rage, denouncing her son 娶了媳妇忘了娘 (qǔ le xífù wàng le niáng), meaning "After marrying a wife, the man forgets his mother."

The young couple lived in New York, an hour away from his parents. After that event they moved to the west coast. According to my friend, the young couple wants to live as far from his parents as possible, which seems like a huge rift between the parents and their elder son. 

I can understand the disappointment of the mother, though a bit dramatic, out of her high expectations regarding familial relationships and feeling being sidelined by her son.

Still, I think the mother is solely responsible for this rift. If the mother cares so much about this, she should clearly communicate her feeling and expectations, e.g. "Son, can I have my gift first?" I clearly tell my children, "I have everything. Don't buy anything for me."

Secondly, the young man already has his family. He has all the rights to take care of his own family first. He can even choose not to be with his parents' family during Christmas holidays. Be grateful for his visit.

Thirdly, the story underscores the complexities inherent in familial dynamics, as well as the crucial role of communication, understanding, and empathy across generations and cultures.

Finally, the young couple's decision to move far away from the parents not only is a drastic reaction to the dominant parent but also demonstrates a strong desire for independence and autonomy. Great for them! Perhaps the geographical distance helps resolve any conflicts between them.

I mentioned my meeting with an old friend yesterday. She has her ups and downs in life. Still, she keeps smiling and joking and attributes her success to her having good luck. It's so inspiring and contagious to be around an optimistic person.

Her overly optimistic outlook and positive attitude stand out in contrast to some of my friends' tendencies to complain and blame external factors for their own misfortunes or for everything bad. One of them starts complaining every time she opens her mouth.

Very often we don't get to choose how the world should be operated or how others should behave. All we can do is to accept the way the world works and focus on what we can do within our reach. Complaining is not only futile but also weakening our will to be responsible humans.

When we complain and blame others, we play the role of a victim, the weak part, making excuses for ourselves, taking no ownership of our action, and seeking sympathy and comfort from others.

We are who we are because of our habits. Our habitual way of thinking and acting shapes our neural networks, enables us to see the world in certain fixed way. Similarly, when we keep playing victim every day, the victim mentality is gradually built into our brain over time, making us believe that we are powerless and helpless, and others are responsible for anything bad happens to us.

So, keep in mind that we are training our neural networks with the way we think and act everyday. Choose the positive mindset and optimistic outlook to empower us. Choosing to focus on the bright sides of life can lead to greater happiness and fulfillment.

I met up with an old friend of mine today. We were together in high school in Tianjin, college in Beijing and then graduate school in the U.S. We talked nonstop for hours. She told me this event when she was in America in 1980s. She told an American friend that she was considering of pursuing a Ph.D after getting her Master degree, that American asked her, "Is it because you want to stay longer in the United States?" I was speechless upon hearing this. She still remembers the conversation even after nearly 40 years.

Here’s a few words on my Metablog. I told my sister that I wrote a short blog daily. She was wondering, what do you get from this? Initially, I made a promise on my new year resolution, even if it may not provide immediate tangible benefits.

As days go by, I try to give some meanings to this activity. Perhaps the act of writing daily can serve some personal purpose, such as self-expression, self-reflection, sharing with family and friends, or simply the satisfaction of sticking to a promise. Even without a large audience, the process of writing and sharing thoughts can be fulfilling in itself.

Additionally, it makes a huge sense to keep up writing when considering the low cost of maintaining it, both in terms of time and resources, as compared to the potential benefits it may bring in terms of personal growth and connection with family and friends.

Ultimately, I keep reminding myself that the value of daily writing definitely goes beyond its readership size or any external rewards. It is up to each of us to constantly give meanings to our life's experience. It matters as long as we find it meaningful and life-fulfilling.

Yesterday I mentioned educational psychology and Counseling For Toads: A Psychological Adventure by Robert de Board. The author uses transactional analysis (TA) as his counseling tool. TA is a branch of psychology focusing on analyzing interpersonal interactions and communications to understand human behavior. Here transactions means interactions between individuals.

From parenting perspective, the book shows the huge impact of Mr's Toad's family of birth on his adult life depression. The family of birth refers to the one Mr. Toad is born and raised under with his parents.

Mr. Toad suffered from depression when he first sought therapist. A few sessions of counseling reveal that his depression has its root in the way he was raised. 

His father was harsh, authoritative, and constantly criticizing him, resulting in his belief that while Father is always right, he is always wrong and worthless. And he is in the habit of apologizing to others. His mother, out of fear for his father and her own immaturity, did not make life better for him.

Its impact on Adult Mr. Toad is on the way he handles anger when others belittle or mistreat him. Sometimes, we express our angry feeling in order to set boundaries with others and protect ourselves against mistreatments. When we feel angry, we either turn toward the person who upsets us or turn inward, criticizing ourselves, feeling like unable to do anything right. 

As a child, Mr. Toad did not develop rebellion against his parents. As an adult, he stayed in the stage of child dependence. Any frustration and anger that he feels he turns inward onto himself, the safe scapegoat. Eventually he becomes more and more frustrated with himself and depressed.

The book lists three ego states: parents, child, and adult. The Adult ego state involves logical and rational thinking, it gives you strength and courage to assert your own authority and act independently.

4/20, 9 days left before I’m leaving for NY. This morning I mentioned to my sister, what a pity that I still haven’t got a chance chatting with the young relatives of the family, my other sister’s son and his fiancée, an expert in educational psychology.

She couldn't understand why I wanted to chat with them. I said, an expert in educational psychology is like a gold mine to me, a great resource of learning. Plus I enjoy meeting young people and getting to know what’s going on in their world. My circle of friends are senior and stale in mind. She further questioned the practical implication of learning psychology, especially at my age.

She is right about the practical side of learning anything after retirement. Still, ideally the value of learning should go far beyond its immediate application in job market, especially psychology. 

More importantly, it would be dreadful if we narrow our mindset and circle as we gain in age, or if we fail to recognize the values in different perspectives and experiences, and miss an opportunity to enrich ourselves. Engaging with younger generations can provide insights into contemporary challenges, and allowing for meaningful exchanges and connections across generations.

On educational psychology, my previous reading on parenting convinced me that parents should definitely learn about it before becoming parents. Knowledge in psychology provides insights into human needs, behavior and emotions, especially those of the teenagers, so parents can better communicate with and resolve conflicts with them.

Sigmund Freud believed that most of the adult mental illnesses have their roots in the traumatic experiences or poor parenting in their childhood. Finally, here's an excellent book that I recommend, Counselling for Toads by Robert de Board, 1983.