Yanwen’s blog

A friend of mine pointed out a a missing piece in my story yesterday. Here's the comment: “说到底，他们还是有父母给他们兜底的一代。他们有的心理上的支持，我们这一代人是完全没有的。我们要考虑上一代，考虑自己，还要考虑下一代。他们顶不济了，老人还会给他们留下一些钱，还会给他们留至少一套房产。这就是他们的底气” 

That is, in the final analysis, young people today can enjoy life free from care at a young age because of the safety net provided by their parents. If they can't make ends meet, they can always turn to their parents who have more than enough now. Moreover they will most likely inherit a property. They have the full financial support from their parents. In contrast, our generation had to take care of the welfare of three generations: ours, that of our parents and the next generation.

This is mostly true. I know many young people travel abroad during the May First holiday, including my sister's son and his girlfriend. Another reason is young people today are paid hugely more now than before. I remember my first pay check from China Daily was ¥65, right off the college in 1982. I stopped getting even a penny from my parents since then. Instead I started giving back to them as soon as I could.

The contrast makes me think of disparities, or one disparity leading to another. One's life experience depends so much on his socio-economic status and family background. That is, people with abundance of financial support have opportunities to enjoy life from very young age. Those without may face challenges and constraints that limit their chance to more experiences in life and access to resources to thrive later in life.

The most meaningful of it all is the generational differences in China provide context on China's transformative journey since 1980s. With the increasing prosperity and stability that many families in China enjoy today, millions of Chinese parents today can provide greater opportunities and support for their children, which was not even in the wildest dream among older generations.

On my way from Beijing to Brussels, I had an interesting encounter with a young man of my daughter’s age. He sat on my left. He was going to Europe during the May 1st holiday. He seems very pro in the way he handles his travel agenda. We exchanged information and also WeChat contact.

He received his bachelor degree in China and a master in Britain, now working in a government agency in Beijing, being comfortably paid so he can enjoy travels like this. He is single, which he thinks is a good thing so he has the bachelor's freedom to travel whenever he has time like this. He has friends in Belgium. Together they are going to visit some European cities.

The young man's approach to travel sharply contrasts with my own experiences when I was his age. Back then, my focus was on saving for safety and postponing enjoyment until retirement.

It's fascinating to learn how young generation today embrace the opportunities presented to them. They truly live up to the guiding principle of Carpe diem or the philosophy of living life to the fullest.

It is always refreshing to intersect with people of different generations, backgrounds and outlook on life. I feel encouraged and inspired learning how they take time to enrich their life experience whether it's through travel, education, or personal pursuits.

Now that I have returned to the States, so much for the drama while I was in Beijing. There's something that I thought of when I was there. 

While discussing my children's careers with my sisters, I acknowledged that luck may have played a part, but I stressed to them the importance of being focus as a crucial factor, which brought up this book then The ONE Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth About Extraordinary Results, 2013, by Gary Keller, Jay Papasan.

Keller was pondering this: we all have 24 hours a day, why do some people succeed and some not? If we regard time as the initial asset in a person's career, everyone's asset is the same: 24 hours a day. Successful people are able to invest their asset well and get more returns than others. Keller believes that success often hinges on how effectively we invest our time and energy and how we narrow our goals and maintaining laser-like focus prioritizing and avoiding distractions.

Keller dispels the 6 lies that obstruct us from achieving success. (1) Everything matters equally. (2) Multitasking. (3) A disciplined life. (4) Willpower is always on will-call. (5) A balanced life. (6) Big is bad.

If you want to achieve extraordinary results, first you must know what is the most important thing that you can do in 5 years, this year, this month, this week, today and this very moment. Keller suggests using backward working method from a future goal to actions at the moment to make sure that our daily efforts align with our long-term goals.

Finally, according to Keller, the key to success includes a clear goal and unwavering commitment to the ONE THING, the most important tasks at the moment.

My first sister recalled this incident happened in 2018 when she was in the U.S. to see her son. The boy was 20 years old going to college there.

At the end of the semester, my sister went to his college to fetch him back. The school was almost empty. My sister was excited to see her son but she could see that the boy didn't share her excitement in going home with her.

Indeed, he went straight from his college to K-State with his friend and didn't get back until after my sister asked him to.

Considering the fact that my sister had a high hope for spending more time with her son after traveling all the way from China, her disappointment must have been magnified by his choosing to spend some time with his friends away from his mother.

My sister has all the right to feel unappreciated and hurt. But she buried it all inside without saying anything at that time. Still she describes it vividly even today.

It's possible that the son was not mature enough to fully realize the impact his actions had on his mother and the significance of her visit. In this case, when facing immature adult child, I think parents should communicate their wishes clearly beforehand, like "I am coming over to see you. If you have other commitments, I can come over another time." Open communication between my sister and her son could make life easy for both.

I told my second sister who is going to Shanghai to see her son, "Ultimately parents need to realize and accept the fact that children have their own priorities in life. Children may want to spend time with their friends or their better half or doing something else which they consider more important than spending time with the parents."

My sister’s son lives in the U.S and arrived in Shanghai yesterday, 4/28. Yesterday morning my sister was waiting anxiously for her son’s message. He should be in Shanghai already. She knew his departure time and calculated his arrival time. She had told him to let her know upon his arrival.

She posted a message in her family group asking her son, "Arrived?" The son replied, “Arrived.” She asked, “When did you arrive?” “A few hours ago.” After that, the son has not said anything to his parents in Beijing for that day. 

My sister said, “我感觉心凉. This is a big deal for me. We plan to drive to Shanghai to see him. This maybe the only time that our family meets this year. I really look forward to our once-a-year family reunion. I know he must be busy, still I’m sure he lets his girlfriend know soon after he arrived. I’m just not as important to him as his girlfriend.”

I told my sister, on the one hand your concerns are natural and rooted in the Chinese tradition as shown in the saying 儿行千里母担忧. 

On the other hand, he may be busy or may be tired or may call his girlfriend first, which he should. We don't know what happened. But keep in mind it's both unproductive and useless to speculate about other's actions or motivations, as it can lead to unnecessary stress and misunderstandings. 

I encourage her to communicate openly with her son about her concerns and expectations. I'm sure this honest communication can help alleviate any misunderstandings and strengthen their relationship.