Yanwen’s blog

Thursday morning I received Chinese New Year greeting call from someone in Ning Xia, China. It's always great to hear from old friends during holiday seasons. She was here in 2020 with her young boy.

During the call, she recalled how we helped her while she was in Kansas. It was always heartwarming to hear people express gratitude.

To be sure, over the years in Kansas we have helped many people in whatever way we could, including our young relatives. One of them expressed his gratitude to us saying, he can't imagine where he would be today if without our help in 2006 in Kansas. We never expected anything at that time. That’s why any expression of gratitude comes like a delightful surprise now.

A few years ago I heard of this Chinese saying, "赠人玫瑰，手有余香" (Zèng rén méiguī, shǒu yǒu yú xiāng), meaning, you give someone a rose, its fragrance is left in your hand. This perhaps comes from the English saying, "The roses in her hand, the flavor is mine." I must say many cultures overlap heavily when it comes to propagate positive values.

The idea is obvious, when you do a good deed, the positive effect is yours and will stay with you for the long time. The saying essentially encourages people to offer kindness to others in need because helping others benefits both sides. 

I often share these words with high school graduates: nothing makes you happier than knowing the world becomes a better place because of you. Do good now and see the long rippling effects of your kind actions in the years to come. The blessings are always yours.

Last Sunday meeting with my Korean student was not an easy one. She started apologizing profusely, "I am so guilty for not having done my homework."

My student has been in the U.S. for over 10 years. Her ability to read and write in English is highly proficient. But since she works at a Korean company, goes to a local Korean church, shops at Korean stores, and lives pretty much in a Korean community here, she needs help with listening and speaking. So I told her, homework each day: listen to news video one per day and sharing with me during our meeting.

She told me, I am very busy, with my work and two kids. I have to listen to the news many times to understand it and take notes but I don't have time every day. Wednesday I shared this with my other Korean student. She told me the same thing.

Then and there I realized my mistakes. I’m not her, so I don’t know how much time it will take to complete the assignment. I thought the homework would take at most 10 minutes and I never intended to burden her with a heavy workload each day. 

I told her not to worry about homework, it's just something for you to do when you have time. It's essential to balance a focus on the present and an eye on a large timeframe in your life. Like in 10 years your eldest daughter will be in college, think what you do today and what you want her to take with her in college. Don't lose sight of that future when you are overwhelmed with the busy life today.

When Zhuang-zi said, "Look how happy the fish are swimming in the river, his companion said, "子非鱼，安知鱼之乐" (Zi fēi yú, ān zhī yú zhī lè), "You are not fish. How do you know fish is happy?" 

These words capture the challenges of empathy. Without being in the same shoes or sharing a similar experience, it is difficult to imagine and understand how others feel. Even under an exact similar situation, people may feel differently. Still, we try.

Valentine's Day! The day could mean much more than love. The law of physical attraction takes me to that of intellectual and mental attractions.

Law of attraction is similar to the Chinese saying, 物以类聚 (Wù yǐ lèi jù), that is, Birds of a feather flock together. It's natural for humans to seek comfort, company, and opinion or bias confirmation among people who share with us either ethnically or culturally or religiously or politically.

I remember seeing a group of black students at one table and white at another when I was at Baylor cafeteria in 1980s. One of my former colleagues told me to only watch Fox News, all else being fake news.

Make no mistake we all need this comfort zone and we all go back to what makes us comfortable. Sounds great, but is there a catch here?

Have been there for too long, have you ever thought of stepping out of your intellectual and ideological comfort zone? Are you aware of the limiting effect when we always seek confirmation and stay in our information cocoon, and the risk of suffering from intellectual stagnation?

This thought on Valentine's Day gives me a thousand reasons to deliberately avoid the law of intellectual attraction and of trapping in my mental cocoon. to keep an open mind for peaceful co-existence among people of diverse backgrounds, and to keep growing intellectually.

Happy Valentine's Day to all!

Spring Festival we made dumplings together at my son's place. This is the first time that we did it since we moved out of Kansas. My daughter commented that it reminded her of the old time.

My children enjoy having dumplings. We have been buying them from stores. I thought homemade should be healthier than store-made. So I decided to try homemaking this time.

I told my children, it's a tradition in north China that family sits around the table making dumplings together during the holiday. It's a pleasant surprise when I saw their enthusiasm in embracing this tradition.

There's an extra unexpected bonus: a new realization. I used to make dough for steamed bread when we were in Kansas but stopped doing it after we got bread machine here. Sounds like a progress when machine replaces man power, right? Not really.

I felt soreness on my low arm that day because I have not made dough for a few years. It was not like this before. The Chinese saying goes, 用进废退 (Yòng jìn fèi tuì) Use it or lose it. 

Obviously the muscle on my low arm has decreased because I stopped using it as much as before. The soreness reminds me once again that I have to keep making dough like before to stop the decrease. Same can be said of our brain muscles. Utilizing and exercising our mental power are crucial for maintaining cognitive function and preventing mental decline.

One more thought, the modern home appliances have no doubt improved people's lives. On the other hand, it comes with an additional cost to us, e.g. leaving us less physically active as before.

Saturday, Spring Festival day, while gathering with my children, I talked with one of them about Chinese women's experience in America. We don't have enough literature on this topic. It's important not to overgeneralize the writings on this subject.

The established authors mostly touch on the experience of older immigrants before 1980s, the conflicts between traditional Chinese family and the large American Society. The new arrivals from mainland China since 1980s are a whole new batch of immigrants. One salient difference is women's status. Specifically, they don't have that much prejudice against women.

The more traditional the society is, the lower the women's social and economic status. Traditions across Asian cultures are not kind to women. My Indian student told me, she does everything at home, while her husband and parents-in-law do nothing. That's what supposed to be. So do my Korean students. They were surprised to learn that Chinese men cook at home. In both countries they pretty much keep their old traditions.

In China the government advocates, "时代不同了，男女都一样," that is, "Times have changed, men and women are the same." The statement emphasizes the equality between men and women, a gigantic departure from the old Asian traditional gender roles and norms.

In this sense, the policy in China aligns very well with the broader global trend towards gender equality and the importance of treating all individuals equally regardless of gender.