Yanwen’s blog

Our big family in Beijing forms a small WeChat group, 10 of us, my mother and members from three of our sibling families. When I was in China, I noticed that one member disappeared from the group. I asked my sister who asked her son, the absent one.

The young man came to America when he was 23 years old. He must be very busy with his work and life here and find it irrelevant to stay connected with the going-ons of people he grew up with in Beijing.

It reflects the reality that as people pursue their careers and move away from their hometown, they may become disconnected from the loved ones they grew up with and the close bonds and relationships they once cherished. It makes me think of the Red River Valley song.

Sometimes the most precious things in life are free and abundant, like 蓝天，空气，亲情，微笑 (lán tiān, kōng qì, qīn qíng, wēi xiào) blue sky, fresh air, the bonding feeling from loved ones, and smile. Very often people take them for granted in the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

I may be old fashioned, still I wish people understood the importance of staying connected with loved ones, even across geographical distances, even amidst the heated pursuit of material wealth and success. Sometimes, it's essential to pause and recognize the intrinsic value of simple joys and meaningful connections.

By the way, the young man's withdrawal reminds me of what my sister said when I was in Beijing, that at my age I should start shrinking down my circle. On the contrary, the opposite is what I'm going to do.

Yesterday a friend of mine shared something with me, mentioning this word, 格局 (gé jú). The first time I heard of this was long ago from a young relative of mine in China, who used it to describe her better half as having small 格局. Not good.

As a serious person, I tried to grasp the meaning of the term. On that I failed. I asked someone today and was told of something about planning or vision for the future.

From its Chinese characters, I understand it as encompassing the overarching box or structure or framework for understanding and interpreting the world. Simply put it, it is a way of thinking and explaining events around our lives.

From the way I understand, though I might run the risk of oversimplifying it, there's no big or small, good or bad 格局. There's only different framework of thinking and resulting in different consequences. While some are restrictive, some are mind-opening and liberating. 

Different mindsets and different frameworks can have different impact on one's life and actions. A lawyer's framework is his law book, which is vastly different from that of a businessman. But we can’t apply a lawyer’s or businessman’s framework on everything in life.

What we need to be aware of is the restriction of our fixed thinking on our actions and our life as the whole. Most importantly, imagine how suffocating it is if we always think within a box! Perhaps having big 格局 is someone who can think out of the box or having many boxes.

Recently I learned this from Sun Tzu's "The Art of War" 昔之善战者，先为不可胜，以待敌之可胜。不可胜在己，可胜在敌。故善战者，能为不可胜，不能使敌之必可胜。Here's my rough translation. 

"In the past, those skilled in warfare made themselves invincible first and then waited for the moment when the enemy become vulnerable. 

While it is up to you to make yourself invincible, it is up to the enemy to make themselves vulnerable. Therefore, those skilled in warfare are able to make themselves invincible but cannot necessarily make the enemy vulnerable."

Here are my reflections on this text. First, the prerequisite for winning a battle or anything is to make ourselves super strong and capable, whether in warfare or any other aspect of life. Don't rush into actions without getting yourself ready.

Second, it's crucial to wait for the right moment, the importance of strategic patience, especially in decision-making and leadership.

Third, for personal and professional growth, we need to know our strengths and weaknesses. With this knowledge, we can focus on enhancing our strengths and addressing our weaknesses.

Finally, Sun Tzu's words are very much relevant to us today. Self-awareness, self-strength, preparation, patience, and strategic thinking are keys to winning in both warfare and other areas of life, including career development.

When I was in Beijing, I often took a walk in the evening with my sister. We often met people on the street. My sister commented, I bet there aren't that many people on the street in America.

I told her, here are the differences between walking outside in two countries. First, in America I never go out alone after dinner, especially in New York City. Safety is my top concern when it's dark. Second, true some places are very empty, too much so that you wish to see a human around, especially in Kansas.

Third, there is something very annoying, even agonizing and damaging in America that you seldom see in Beijing, that is, lawn mowing. Today is Monday, the worst day to go out in our neighborhood. You bump into one of them no matter where you turn. It's ear-deafening and air-toxic.

American lifestyle is definitely extravagant, non-sustainable and environmentally damaging due to the air and noice pollution caused by lawn care activities. The high-maintenance lawns pollute the air as much as the car.

According to Princeton University Climate Action team, America has over 40 million acres of land covered by lawn. The gasoline powered lawn mowing machines and lawn fertilizers contribute significantly to carbon emissions. Americans should consider alternatives for the structure of their lawn. I saw this alternative in many parks in Beijing, where they grow low maintenance tall grass.

It almost seems hopeless to make a change to some entrenched societal norms and consumer behavior like lawn structure in America, especially when it involved colossal profits for businesses. It takes a combination of technology advances, regulatory changes and a collective will to bring about changes in consumer behavior and lawn structure, like using electric lawn mower, or having regulatory enforcement prohibiting gas machines.

As it is now, most Americans are blissfully ignorant about this simple fact. The world has no reason to be optimistic on this.

While I was with my children yesterday, I noticed my daughter's hair getting longer. She used to keep her hair short and cute. I asked her if she needed a haircut. She said she's going to let it grow this time. Her boyfriend likes her long hair.

One adult said, let it grow. I like your long hair, it's confusing for girls to wear boyish haircut. People would wonder, are you a boy or a girl?

I said, doesn't matter, short hair makes it easy in hot summer, low maintenance at least. My son said, I go with whatever style you decide for yourself.

At first I thought my son had the most commendable reaction to the hairstyle argument, probably due to his position at work, making no judgment on people's appearance and personal choices.

Later that day when I think about it, I realize as a parent, first of all, my son's reaction reflects a respectful and open-minded attitude toward personal choice and individual expression. He recognizes that it's ultimately her decision how she chooses her hairstyle.

Secondly, he is non-judgmental and accepting of diversity in personal style, instead of imposing his own preferences or societal norms onto others. 

Thirdly, his response demonstrates a deep empathy towards my daughter's feelings and desires, acknowledging the importance of her boyfriend's opinion without dismissing her own preferences or comfort.

Respect, empathy, non-judgmental, and giving supports to her choice -- I think parents can learn something here regarding children’s choice, so that children can feel empowered to express themselves authentically without the fear of being judged or criticized. 

Ultimately, this will help nurturing a feeling of belonging and acceptance within the family.