Yanwen’s blog

Happy birthday, my most beloved daughter! Wish you a day of joy and laughter that you have so brought to our lives. 

So many stories come up while I'm writing. So many times you shatter the status quo and start a new journey once again, like after the first year of college, like quitting your last job where you were so valued. While I find your courage to take risk and embrace changes inspiring, I also see my younger self in you.

When you were a little girl, every time I praised you, you were super cool, telling me, "I know it is parent's job to praise her child." Other kids are hungry for external validation but you were so independent from a young age!

In second grade, your reading level was tested and found to have reached 12 grade level, so your teacher told me. Every time you needed some fun time, I sent you to a bookstore and you immediately lost yourself there. You must have known a lot more than you could understand at that time.

Also in your elementary years, I tried to make you understand that “To err is human,” you told me, “Yes, especially you.” Even today, it serves as a reminder to me every time I try to appear having the monopoly of truth and virtue.

Together with your brother, you have made my life so much joyful, richer and meaningful! Thank you both for the opportunity to grow and become a better person.

Happy birthday, my dearest daughter, with an ocean of love!

Two things happened on 3/25, that brought up this Chinese saying: 儿行千里母担忧 (Er xíng qiān lǐ mǔ dān yōu) The mother's worrying thought follows the son while he travels thousand miles away.

First, my mother talked about my youngest sister, "She left on 3/16. It will be 10 days tomorrow." 

Second is my chat with a friend about her daughter's choice of college this coming fall. I told her, "Better start this conversation now, letting the girl know that it's crucial that she sends home at least one brief message each day so we know you are okay in college." You know things can go out of control with so many young immature blood, drinking, partying, and no shortage of drugs and others.

Mother's nonstop worry about her faraway child might seem burdensome to the college kids. Yet, truth be told, this really expressed the universal sentiment of a parent's concern for the child's well-being, especially when the child is first time away from home or facing a whole new level of challenges in life -- academic, social, and self-management.

On another level, it reflects the unbroken emotional connection between parents and children, highlighting the mother's protective instincts and the anxieties she experiences when her child is away. The saying captures the eternal theme of parental love that transcends distance and time.

As for the children, another saying goes, children won't understand their parents until they become parents. It depends.

Sunday evening during my meeting with my Korean student, she asked me about writing her annual evaluation 年度评估 (Nián dù píng gū) and setting new goals for the year.

I remember I once wrote a short article on this. That was long ago when I was still working. I don't have the details of that piece, though I remember the tone and the mood while writing it. The tone is not positive for sure. I was too judgmental and critical.

I know employees don't usually associate fun time with annual evaluation. It might cause undue stress or anxiety at the thought of being evaluated or judged by the manager. Also, people never enjoy negative feedback or criticism. It can be a waste of time if it's not taken seriously by both sides.

Perhaps we can see it from the perspective of the management team, adopt a more positive tone and transform it into the time of appreciation and re-engagement with our own goals.

First, we can generate a list of our accomplishments due to the wise management of our current boss. Rubbing your boss the right way.

Second, use this as an opportunity to align between your personal and professional goals with company's mission, as a point of connection. It's exciting when recognizing how our aspirations can contribute to the overall objectives and success of the organization.

We will feel more motivated and engaged, more fulfilling and productive, when framing our personal activities and development in the context of shared goals and values with an entity larger than ourselves. In fact, it works this way in many of our activities, even in this writing.

I share this question, yet I don't have the answer.

Last weekend we went to Shijiazhuang, the capital city of China's Hebei Province, to see my aunt and uncle and their children, my mother’s siblings. My aunt is 5 years younger than my mother, uncle 11 years younger.

My aunt as a retired army engineer enjoys a fat cushion of financial safety. However, her son told me, "My mother often has this sense of meaninglessness, talking about death being a better alternative to life for her. I often mention your mother to cheer her up. 'Look at your elder sister. She is healthy and cheerful, so should you.'"

My aunt has a spacious three-bed apartment in a big Army courtyard for retired army officers. The courtyard has a high concentration of seniors. You can see people walking around either with sticks or walkers. My aunt uses a walking stick. She told me about the loss of some neighbors since this year. Some here yesterday, gone today. I guess there is no shortage of the news of loss in her courtyard.

I think her environment contributes to her low spirits. Experiencing the loss of peers or friends in her neighborhood can lead to feelings of sadness or depression for her. The experience could remind of her own mortality and cause her to overthink.

While it's difficult to find a cookie-cutter solution to the well-being of seniors, I can see clearly in my aunt's case, that financial stability is not enough, and emotional and social support are also critical for her overall well-being. 

Also, living in a senior center and witnessing the passing of one's peers could be a challenge to the fragile mental health of seniors. The potential trauma associated with witnessing the passing of peers is also a real concern.

There are plenty of this type of living quarters for retirees in China. While I don't know exactly which social environment provides the best quality of life for the seniors, I know there are some emotional and psychological needs that are not addressed in my aunt's case.

I talked about this book a few days ago, The Greatest Minds and Ideas of All Time by Will Durant. There is something that I find interesting. Some might seem provocative to male readers.

Durant's list of "The ten 'Peaks' of human progress" includes: 1. Speech. 2. Fire. 3. The conquest of the animals. 4. Agriculture. 5. Social organization. 6. Morality. 7. Tools. 8. Science. 9. Education. 10. Printing.

On No.4: agriculture, are two parts. First, the author indicated that for a civilization to take form, it needs homes and agriculture. Men wondering around in the wildness as hunters, herders and killers need to settle down in one place to build homes, schools and churches, and colleges. They needed homes to form psychological cement of the society.

Second, the role of women. Someone said, "Women were the last creatures to be civilized by men." Durant said, this was totally wrong. The opposite is true.

—“It was women who gave men agriculture and home. She domesticated men as she domesticated sheep and pigs. Man is woman's last domesticated animal and perhaps he is the last creature that would be civilized by woman."

This is the first time that I heard of this perspective on the historical roles of women and men in the development of agriculture and domestic life, that women played a central role in the domestication of both animals and men. Even more interesting is this: the great historian Will Durant likened the process of taming savage men to the domestication of livestock.

Throughout history and across all cultures, women have been oppressed, deprived, discriminated against at the hand of men under patriarchal rule. In the mind of men, it is more likely that men civilize women through their control of women.

I won't be surprised if male readers find it offensive at the suggestion that women became civilized first and men were to be civilized by women.