Yanwen’s blog

This happened about a decade ago. It was my sister's birthday while I was in China. By that evening, she said the day would be perfect if she could hear from her son. To make her happy, I sent a gentle reminder to her son.

The young man told me, “I abhor being told to do things like this. If I send her a birthday wish, it's because I feel like doing so, not because someone told me that I should." My face burned when I heard the annoyance in his voice.

On the one hand, he was right in many ways. Nobody enjoyed being told to do this or that. He was right when he preferred to act out of his own heart rather than from external prompts, and when he emphasized genuinity rather than obligations in relationship between adult children and their parents.

On the other hand, had I done something wrong when I didn't want to see my sister being disappointed on her birthday, when her son meant so much to her?

Understandably young people are busy with their work and other social life. It's okay if they are too busy to remember parents' birthday. For sometime I could see his point but still believed that I had done the right thing by sending a reminder.

Effective communication is the key in all relationships. Perhaps the key is missing here. To avoid disappointment, perhaps my sister should be upfront with her expectations unequivocally instead of waiting and expecting silently, like telling her son, "I'd like to hear from you on my birthday." I'm sure her son won't forget it. In fact, this is how I communicated to my children many years ago.

沟通是关键 (gōu tōng shì guān jiàn), communication is the key. Ultimately things won't go too far off with open and honest communication, especially between parents and their adult children.

Yesterday I read this story: "Brooklyn DA’s office busts million-dollar ‘pig butchering’ crypto scam operation."

"Pig butchering is a virtual scam practice of luring individuals online and gaining their trust through conversation before convincing them to invest through apps and website domains in fraudulent cryptocurrency schemes. Victims of the crime are enticed by the subsequent huge financial returns in their investments, but when they try to withdraw the money are blocked from their accounts, losing out entirely."

My sisters are very familiar with this type of scam. It is called 杀猪盘 (shā zhū pán) in Chinese, meaning pig butchering scam.

I shared the story with my mother. I said, criminals often exploit vulnerabilities in people, such as loneliness and the desire for companionship or the desire to make a fortune. Loneliness can make people more susceptible to chatting casually with people online. The criminals are good at manipulating people psychologically and eventually get what they want from their victims.

My mother said, "Don't worry about me. I don't have these vulnerabilities for bad guys to take advantage of." "Yes, you do." I reminded my mother. 

Once a long-lost comrade-in-arm of my mother's called her asking for 20,000 RMB for some urgent medical need. Without checking the authenticity of the call, she immediately went to the bank to withdraw money. Luckily the cashier at the bank asked her some questions and informed my sister.

Kindness and compassion are admirable qualities, but sometimes they can make people gullible. It's actually super easy to create false tragic stories to gain sympathy and ultimately victimize the kind people.

Be aware of common tricks and tactics practiced by criminals, especially emotional manipulation, so that we can avoid being butchered like pigs.

Today is Qingming Festival, the fifth segment of the Chinese 24 solar terms, aka. 24 节气 (jiéqì) in Chinese. These terms divide the solar year into 24 equal segments, each lasting about 15 days, and are based on the sun's position relative to the celestial equator. It's a big deal in traditional agriculture societies.

Today people observe the day with visiting and cleaning of tombs of their loved ones, making offerings, fulfilling filial obligations, paying respect, honoring the departed in their families, reconnecting with family's past, carrying on the legacy, and all of the above.

The observation of Qingming Festival is deeply imbued with personal, cultural, and familial significance. The values and meanings attached to these activities are embraced by individuals and communities, like reverence for tradition, respect for ancestors, and the desire to maintain familial bonds across generations.

Overseas Chinese from all corners of the world returning to their homeland around Qingming Festival to pay respects to their ancestors exemplifies the enduring importance of these cultural and familial connections, transcending geographical boundaries and reaffirming the significance of these traditions in their lives, no matter where they migrate.

With this understanding, hopefully this festival of remembrance brings you peace, continuity, and a feeling of bless and gratitude, which we so need to move on.

On 4/2, I went to a high school reunion, 8 of us retirees, full of noise and unconstrained laughter. This is another April Fools' Day.

Back to each dwelling and when the laughter subsides, I feel a tint of regret when a moment of reflection sets in. 

Most of them spent their career life as diplomats outside China, with whom I have not been in touch since 1974. I imagine they must have a rich, colorful, exciting and diverse experience in these years.

What are their life journeys, what are their perspectives on work, current affairs, what are the most challenging tasks in their careers, what are their proudest moments, would they do things differently if they were to start all over again, and their retirement plan, etc. I'm deeply intrigued by these questions, yet none of them were brought to the table. Also I think I miss an opportunity for learning and growth.

While it's natural for such regret to surface in hindsight in moments of solitude, especially when considering the depth and complexity of their life experiences, it is important to keep in mind that large gatherings are not fit for any meaningful in-depth conversations.

Reunions are for fun and reconnection, rather than dwelling on reflections and introspections. Enjoy what the occasion has to offer. No more no less.

想当年，金戈铁马，气吞万里如虎 (xiǎng dāng nián , jīn gē tiě mǎ, qì tūn wànlǐ rúhǔ), looking back, with gold armor and iron horse, they galloped 10 thousand miles like fearless tigers. That’s how exciting their lives looked like back then.

I read a short piece on Chinese social media. It was written by a young man, his first name being Liang. He calls himself Harvard Daddy Liang or Uncle Liang. This is an interesting phenomenon of self-presentation and branding in the digital age, where individuals often adopt titles to enhance their personal brand and social media presence.

Liang graduated from Renmin University of China in 2005 and then was sent by government to Harvard Kennedy School, where he graduated in 2011. After he got back from Harvard, he started some company offering services to people who study abroad. He made a fortune in the process and became a small internet celebrity as Harvard Daddy Liang or Uncle Liang.

Two things make me pause a second. First, there are tons of people graduating from Harvard in America and are successful from there. I have never heard of anyone going about branding himself Harvard Daddy or MIT Daddy. Perhaps Liang desperately needs to use Harvard to grab readers' attention.

Second, many years ago, when I was working with a high schooler on her college application essays, my daughter made a comment on one of the essays, that is, imagine what the readers would think of this... Now I'm the reader of this Harvard Daddy.

Something doesn't sit well with me when someone of my son's age calls himself Daddy to me, as if he talked to me as my daddy or what? I am surprised that people will brand themselves anything in order to become internet celebrity 网红 (wǎng hóng).