Yanwen’s blog

Yesterday, I came upon a powerful documentary film, "Say Her Name: The Life and Death of Sandra Bland." This film documents the events surrounding Sandra Bland's death.

On July 10, 2015, Sandra Bland was pulled over by the police for failing to signal a lane change, a minor traffic violation. During the interaction, Bland lit a cigarette. The police officer asked her to put it out. Bland asserted her right, saying, "I'm in my own car, I have the freedom to smoke." The officer responded, "I am now ordering you to get out of the car and put out the cigarette." Bland resisted, "You don't have the right to do that."

The officer, feeling challenged and seemingly energized by a need to assert authority, forcibly dragged Bland out of her car. She was arrested and subjected to brutal treatment and humiliation. Three days later, the young woman was found dead in her jail cell, having committed suicide.

The tragedy of Bland's death is, of course, very sad and a profound loss for her family. Her encounter with a police officer reminds me of one of mine. Once, I was driving on a street with a 25 mph speed limit. A police officer stopped me, saying, “You are driving over 40 mph.” I knew it was useless to argue with him, so I apologized profusely and explained how I was in a hurry to get my daughter to school, worried about being late for work and upsetting my boss, etc.

The kind police officer let me go with a gentle reminder to my daughter, “Young lady, make sure your mom leaves home earlier next time.” Phew, I just avoided another heavy fine! This is not the first time that I salvaged myself from the claws of law enforcement.

There is a Chinese saying, "吃软不吃硬" (chī ruǎn bù chī yìng), which means people respond better to gentle persuasion than to force. It's easier to disarm a fist with a smile than with a stronger fist.

It also reminds me of Aesop's fable, "The North Wind and the Sun." The two compete to see who can remove the clothes from a traveler. The harder the Wind blows, the tighter the traveler clings to his clothes. The Sun, on the other hand, succeeds by radiating warmth.

Both Chinese saying and Aesop's fable teach us that gentleness can often achieve better results than force or direct confrontation.

Sometimes, individuals are powerless and helpless. Therefore, when facing law enforcement officers, some of whom might be biased, perhaps the best self-defense mechanism is following Chinese wisdom and Aesop's Sun.

In reflecting on Sandra Bland's tragic story and my own experience, it's clear that the way we interact with authority figures can even have life-or-death consequence. While Bland’s encounter ended in a heart-wrenching tragedy, my own story shows how humility and understanding can sometimes defuse tension and save your skins.

In a world where we may sometimes feel powerless and out of our control, these stories remind us of the wisdom and strength in choosing empathy and patience. By adopting these approaches, we can hopefully resolve conflicts peacefully.

Finally, whether we draw from cultural wisdom or personal experience, the one take-home message is: the way we choose to respond to adversity and confrontation can make a world of difference.

Walking through Alley Pond, I often encounter groups of Asian women, and their attire often reveals their cultural backgrounds. Korean women, distinguished by their brand-name activewear and sporty shoes, exude an air of casual elegance rather than intense and serious physical activity. Their leisurely strolls and animated conversations resemble social gatherings more than sweaty exercise routines.

This observation led me to inquire about Korean cultural norms from my student. She chuckled and explained that in Korean culture, appearance matters even during physical activities. Whether it's a morning walk or a round of golf, Koreans value well-coordinated outfits as a means to maintain a polished appearance. They pay attention to what they wear and how they look even at home.

This emphasis extends beyond personal preference; it seems like a societal expectation, influencing how individuals present themselves in various settings. For instance, she told me, gifting an expensive jumper jacket to parents is not merely a gesture of affection but also a status symbol to be flaunted among peers. Like her parents would show off the jacket, saying "See my daughter bought it for me."

In contrast, Chinese cultural attitudes diverge significantly. Chinese women, especially 中国大妈 (Zhōngguó dàmā) Chinese Aunties, often value practicality over fashion, opting for functional attire even during exercise. Their brisk walks and focused conversations exude no-nonsense seriousness and pragmatism, emphasizing efficiency over outward appearance, substance over style, like telling people around "Here I come. Move out of my way." They'd rather indulge in culinary delights than luxury apparel.

Reflecting on these cultural disparities, I've gained a deeper appreciation for how societal norms and expectations shape everyday behaviors and even clothes. Beyond aesthetics, these choices embody broader cultural values of self-presentation and social interaction. We see a rich diversity within Asian cultures, which challenges stereotypes about appearance and consumerism across all Asians.

In conclusion, these encounters help broaden my cultural understanding and appreciation of the beauty of diversity in human appearances and expression.

Last Sunday evening's meeting with my Korean student left me rather worrisome. She shared with me what happened during the week.

First, her father went to the emergency room for pneumonia on top of his Parkinson's disease. She had planned to have her parents over for the summer, but now she has to cancel the trip and the air tickets.

Second, her husband's contract job will end next month, and he will be unemployed if he can't find another job soon. It's a big burden on her. She said, "Misfortunes never come singly," and wondered why life becomes so stressful as she turns 40.

I explained to her a saying in China about people at her age, 人到中年, 上有老, 下有小 (rén dào zhōngnián, shàng yǒu lǎo, xià yǒu xiǎo), meaning: when you reach middle age, you are caught in between dual responsibilities: caring for the elderly above and children below. The saying fully captures the challenges and pressures facing people in this stage of life.

In China, people in her situation have a few common worries. Number one is job security. People fear the loss of income for the whole family. The second thing on their worry list is divorce, as people tend to fight more when going gets tough. Third, they themselves succumb to some illness due to the stress and also their own body hormone changes.

I didn't share the worry list with her because she already has some bumpy moments in her marriage and is already facing her husband's impending job loss. They have many unhappy exchanges, which only adds to her stress.

I reminded her of two things. First, when she is burdened with the care of others, she must take good care of herself first. It is very important that she be strong and become the pillar and pacifier in her family so they can sail through the storm safely.

Second, I reminded her not to forget to enjoy life and find happiness whenever she can. 

Life is to be enjoyed, not merely endured. She should try to put things in perspective—life shall move on, this too shall pass. By focusing on enjoying her time with her children and finding moments of joy, she can find some comfort while navigating these bumpy roads.

By acknowledging her struggles and reminding her to prioritize self-care and find joy in the little moments, she can find it easier to face the pressures of middle age and emerge stronger, more resilient, and happier.

I wish someone had told me this when I was in her situation.

Yesterday I talked to my youngest sister about life in America and in China. She thinks the job market is super competitive 内卷 (nèi juǎn, internal competition) in China and that life is a lot easier in America than in China. It really depends. There is no one-size-fits-all answer.

It is true that the job market in China is highly competitive, especially in urban areas like Beijing. Many young professionals feel immense pressure to perform and succeed. Beijing to China is more like America to the world.

In China, there is also some cultural bias against taking low-end service jobs for college graduates, such as restaurant workers, janitors, lawn care, security guards, delivery persons, baristas, or any unskilled job or even blue-collar workers. I don't think my sister's son would take any of these jobs.

On the other hand, there are some bright sides to living in Beijing, especially if you have financial and emotional support. Take my first sister’s son for example. He lives in Beijing now, in an apartment given to him by his parents who also pay the HOA and utilities fees. He only needs to take care of his food and spare money. There’s no danger of his becoming homeless. This kind of support alleviates huge financial burdens, so the young man can chase his dreams, travel, and enjoy a stable living environment, relatively free from too much worry. Of course, his situation would be different if he didn't have this financial support.

Another support is emotional and psychological. Coming from a culture that emphasizes collectivity and togetherness, my nephew is not used to the American culture that emphasizes individualism and independence. He was in America for his bachelor’s degree and could not get over homesickness and his longing for his friends in China.

Many young people in America must take care of their own rent and utilities independently, which can be a substantial financial strain. The risk of homelessness is very real in America for those without a strong support network or sufficient income.

On the whole, life in America can be adventurous and opportunistic, offering numerous paths for personal ambitions and professional growth. However, it also comes with challenges such as high living costs and the need for specialized skills, along with a lack of support and safety nets that seem more prevalent.

Moreover, making a decent living in America entails both hard work and a willingness to learn and acquire hard skills. Many Chinese 小皇帝 (xiǎo huángdì, little emperors), the only child in their family, grow up in a very sheltered life and find themselves not prepared for the challenges of living in America.

One section that stands out in the U.S. is its education system. The Chinese one is highly competitive from an early age, with a single focus on academic achievements, leading to entrance exams for prestigious schools and universities.

The American K-12 public school system is generally less competitive and more relaxed compared to China, so children can enjoy their childhood in a less stressful environment. On another side, Chinese parents are not as worried about mass shootings in China as the American parents are. Safety is a real concern in America.

I hope people can recognize that both countries have their unique sets of advantages and challenges. If we idealize life in America without understanding and preparing for the potential difficulties, we set ourselves up for unrealistic expectations and disappointments.

Conversely, appreciating the strengths and acknowledging the weaknesses of both systems can lead to a more balanced and informed perspective.

By understanding and respecting the differences and similarities between life in America and China, we can make more informed decisions about where and how we want to live.

The day after the big event I mentioned last Friday, I found myself reflecting on many things I wanted to write about yesterday. However, I was too tired after getting back, so I had to postpone until today.

We left home around 7 am, preparing for the event, which started at 10. By the time we returned, it was about 6:30 pm. The entire day was spent outside in temperatures exceeding 90 degrees Fahrenheit.

I was pleasantly surprised to see many local government representatives who came and gave speeches on stage. On second thought, it makes sense that the Chinese community needs to maintain a good relationship with local governments.

Many children had a great time playing games, and the performances were impressive, even to an amateur like me.

One issue that stood out to me was the lack of inter-alumni mingling. People didn't do much moving around and talking to each other at this social event.

Next to our check-in team was the Peking University (Bei-da) alumni association, and next to them was Tsinghua University (Qinghua). I noticed a group of Bei-da young people struggling to set up their canopy tent. Initially, they had the roof-raising pole facing downward. When the tent refused to stand, one young man suggested turning the tent inside out so the pole would face the sky. As they began this process, I was watching and couldn't help but intervene. I stepped in and told them, "Stop. All you need to do is hold the four legs, push the pole upward to raise the roof, close the strips, then adjust the leg height."

Despite this initial interaction, the Bei-da folks mostly stayed within their group for the rest of the event. They didn't do much mingling with other associations. I walked around and observed the same behavior with other alumni groups; everyone pretty much stayed within their own circle.

I was hoping people would move around more, talk to others, and make friends with attendees from different schools, thereby broadening their networks and connections. After all, what's the point of having an all-hands event with participants from 33 colleges and universities if we don't seize the opportunity to connect with each other and to make more friends?

Reflecting on the event, it was clear that while it was successful in many ways, there is room for improvement when it comes to fostering more interaction among attendees. Encouraging more inter-alumni mingling can significantly enhance the value of such social gatherings, creating a more connected and supportive community. For some, it might have been a missed opportunity for something they never knew they needed.