Yanwen’s blog

Yesterday I mentioned educational psychology and Counseling For Toads: A Psychological Adventure by Robert de Board. The author uses transactional analysis (TA) as his counseling tool. TA is a branch of psychology focusing on analyzing interpersonal interactions and communications to understand human behavior. Here transactions means interactions between individuals.

From parenting perspective, the book shows the huge impact of Mr's Toad's family of birth on his adult life depression. The family of birth refers to the one Mr. Toad is born and raised under with his parents.

Mr. Toad suffered from depression when he first sought therapist. A few sessions of counseling reveal that his depression has its root in the way he was raised. 

His father was harsh, authoritative, and constantly criticizing him, resulting in his belief that while Father is always right, he is always wrong and worthless. And he is in the habit of apologizing to others. His mother, out of fear for his father and her own immaturity, did not make life better for him.

Its impact on Adult Mr. Toad is on the way he handles anger when others belittle or mistreat him. Sometimes, we express our angry feeling in order to set boundaries with others and protect ourselves against mistreatments. When we feel angry, we either turn toward the person who upsets us or turn inward, criticizing ourselves, feeling like unable to do anything right. 

As a child, Mr. Toad did not develop rebellion against his parents. As an adult, he stayed in the stage of child dependence. Any frustration and anger that he feels he turns inward onto himself, the safe scapegoat. Eventually he becomes more and more frustrated with himself and depressed.

The book lists three ego states: parents, child, and adult. The Adult ego state involves logical and rational thinking, it gives you strength and courage to assert your own authority and act independently.

4/20, 9 days left before I’m leaving for NY. This morning I mentioned to my sister, what a pity that I still haven’t got a chance chatting with the young relatives of the family, my other sister’s son and his fiancée, an expert in educational psychology.

She couldn't understand why I wanted to chat with them. I said, an expert in educational psychology is like a gold mine to me, a great resource of learning. Plus I enjoy meeting young people and getting to know what’s going on in their world. My circle of friends are senior and stale in mind. She further questioned the practical implication of learning psychology, especially at my age.

She is right about the practical side of learning anything after retirement. Still, ideally the value of learning should go far beyond its immediate application in job market, especially psychology. 

More importantly, it would be dreadful if we narrow our mindset and circle as we gain in age, or if we fail to recognize the values in different perspectives and experiences, and miss an opportunity to enrich ourselves. Engaging with younger generations can provide insights into contemporary challenges, and allowing for meaningful exchanges and connections across generations.

On educational psychology, my previous reading on parenting convinced me that parents should definitely learn about it before becoming parents. Knowledge in psychology provides insights into human needs, behavior and emotions, especially those of the teenagers, so parents can better communicate with and resolve conflicts with them.

Sigmund Freud believed that most of the adult mental illnesses have their roots in the traumatic experiences or poor parenting in their childhood. Finally, here's an excellent book that I recommend, Counselling for Toads by Robert de Board, 1983.

My sister and I talked about her moving to the United States in order to live closer to her son. Humans have a long history of migration, except she needs the courage to leave behind the old and adapt to the new. I mentioned to her that her son first moved to his current city in 2011 in his early 20s and stayed there till now.

I once told the young man, "The United States is so big and diverse. Why not try some different places and enrich your life experiences while you are young."

He said he liked this place very much. Perhaps you will like other places once you go there. You won't know until you try. You can always move back if you want to. I moved from Texas to Ohio to Indiana to Virginia to Kansas to New Jersey to New York.

The saying 故土难离 (gù tǔ nán lí) describes one's attachment to and reluctance to leave a place where one has lived for a long time. It captures the emotional and psychological challenges in leaving one's homeland and exploring new opportunities elsewhere, and the difficult choice between stepping out of the comfort of the familiar and embracing the new and the unknown. I'm sure the sentiment resonates with many people who grapple with similar choice.

Looking back at the migration history of my family, I feel grateful for my parents who had the courage and resilience to leave their hometowns, the remote mountainous villages of Shanxi and Hebei province. Both of them were teenagers when they left home. Their adventurous spirit is very admirable. My two uncles on both sides of my parents stayed behind and didn’t do as great as my parents.

You can find the same themes that we value so much in life: attachment, courage, resilience, adventure, and personal growth inherent in the great experience of human migration and exploration.

Yesterday we went to the riverside north of Er-Huan with my mother. One of my relatives sat on a little folding stool by the river, posing for pictures, then wondering what his friends would say if he shared the picture on social media. Undoubtedly he is examining himself from the eyes of his friends and is looking forward to positive feedback.

In a way, we are all like him, trying to impress others and seeking approval or recognition from others. This is made easy and commonplace in the age of social media. That's why we have thumb-up 👍 or heart shape ❤️ or something else at the bottom of a post on social media.

We are different in the way we interact with the outside world, and the degree we allow ourselves to be influenced by others. 

While some people try to impress others with their appearance, brand-name clothes, others with their luxurious lifestyle, still others with their skills. Some people give up easily, while others keep going with or without any feedbacks.

People take advantage of whatever strengths and attributes that they may have to seek outside approval and appreciation.

I shared my thought with my sister. She was right when she said, “You try to impress others with your writing because you think that’s what you are good at.” I made no self-defense.

The incident serves as a poignant reminder of the dynamic of human interactions in which we all judge and are judged at the same time, and also the role of external approval plays in shaping our behavior and interactions.

One step further, it encourages us to reflect on the motivations behind our actions and, most importantly, the impact of outside appreciation have on our sense of self-worth and the strength to carry on.

My sister recently bought a dishwasher just for two of them, she and my mother. Together with other modern appliances like a robotic vacuum cleaner and voice-controlled clothes hanging poles, understandably this purchase reflects her desire for convenience and efficiency in managing household responsibilities. She looks forward to more of it, like using a robot maid, so she can be fully liberated from household duties.

While she enjoyed her new purchase, I said, "they are great inventions for those who are physically restricted for the tasks." I gently reminded her of the increasing reliance on modern technology to automate household tasks, as well as the potential consequences and implications of this trend, specially on our ability to take care of ourselves and maintain essential life skills. 

Modern technology can be a double-edged sword. While making our lives easier, they also have the potential to erode our self-reliance and weaken our capacity to perform basic tasks independently.

Don't forget the law of use or loss, Chinese saying: 用进废退. I remember years ago my mother cooked for herself. She enjoyed doing it and was proud of it. After my sister took over the task, she's doing less and less. Perhaps we should have done something different.

By writing about this, I hope people keep in mind the importance of maintaining a balance between leveraging modern technology and retaining our essential life skills and capabilities, and realize that very often good things don't come without a price. Perhaps losing our ability to take care of ourselves is the ultimate price we pay for these modern conveniences.