Yanwen’s blog

My sister and I recently talked about our father, who passed away before turning 58. There was a heavy cloud of sadness during our conversation. Someone once mentioned that I look more and more like my father, but we don't know how our father would have looked in his 60s or beyond.

We have been striving to live healthily and longer than he did. Now, all three of us siblings have reached age 60, but none of us has achieved the career heights that our father reached in his short 57 years.

It is amazing that a teenager boy walked out of his mountainous village and accomplished so much in his lifetime? Our father must have had something extraordinary in him that his children don't have. My sister said, "It is said that one family is blessed with one outstanding person once in a while."

My father lived through some special years in Chinese history. Each generation has its own unique challenges. My father met the challenges of his generation, and now, with his legacy guiding and motivating us, we are trying to meet the challenges of our era, even if we might not reach the same career heights he did.

My sister and I talked about how our father self-taught himself many subjects through reading and his passion for learning. Discussing this serves as a source of inspiration for us to pursue lifelong learning and strive for excellence in our own lives.

We are also aware that whatever we do today, we are creating a legacy for the next generation. Though we may not match the accomplishments of our father, we can still leave a unique legacy, just as he did.

Reflecting on our father's life and achievements helps us appreciate his fine qualities and the importance of perseverance, courage, learning and resilience. His legacy continues to guide us when we face our own trials and triumphs in life.

As we navigate our own journey, we honor his memory by striving to meet our challenges and keep generating value in our own way, ensuring that the good qualities he instilled in us endure for future generations.

While I was in the locker room after swimming, I heard a mother and her daughter doing mental math, like calculating 48 times 69. My attention was instantly drawn to them. They looked like they might be of Indian descent, mother with strong accent and the girl seemed to be still in elementary school. Wow! Way better than me. I was amazed at how good they were at mental math.

This brought back memories of my efforts with my own children, teaching them the 9x9 multiplication table while driving them to school, reciting ancient Chinese poems, telling them historical stories, or singing Chinese songs while taking evening walks. We were poor graduate students, lowest with resources and later we made a meager income when our children were little. Yet, whatever knowledge I had stored in my brain, I never miss a second to share with them. My parents used to criticize me for 好为人师 (hào wéi rén shī), eager to teach others. Of course they were right.

This Indian mother and daughter reminded me so much of the Asian parents I know, who value both time and teaching, seizing every moment for education. Next time I meet my Korean student, I will ask her if she does the same.

I think this also speaks loudly about a part of Asian culture. Firstly, it emphasizes the importance of learning. Secondly, it all starts within the family. Thirdly, parents sow the seeds of learning in the minds of their children when they are very young. No wonder so many Asian kids do well in school. It all begins with families that prioritize and value education.

Reflecting on these experiences, it's as clear as the daylight that the parents’ dedication to learning and teaching within the family plays a very crucial role in a child's academic success.

Additionally, it's not just formal education at school that kids learn from; it's also the everyday moments that parents use to instill knowledge and values.

By valuing education and making it a central part of family life, we can help our children develop the skills and confidence they need to succeed in life.

This cultural emphasis on learning is a powerful testament to the impact of parental involvement and the lifelong benefits it brings to the children.

A few days ago, I went to the Post Office. On my way back, I passed an elementary school. It was school dismissal time, and I saw parents picking up their children.

I noticed a young Asian boy walking beside his mother, who tried to talk to him. I guessed she was asking him about school, but the boy seemed to prefer keeping a bit of distance from her, looking somewhat embarrassed by her presence. There were other kids around, maybe his school friends.

I imagine the mother and child must be in completely different cultural and mental zones. They might not fully understand each other’s zone. There appears to be an invisible barrier between them. Perhaps the boy doesn't want to be seen with his mother by his classmates. Maybe he wants to preserve a perfect image of himself in their minds, the image of a normal American boy like one of them, without a foreign-accented parent.

This scene reminds me of my own son when he was in elementary school. Did I ever try to understand how he spent his day in an American environment or how he felt walking beside me, a mother with a strong foreign accent? I don't remember. I do remember how, each time we went to his school, my children would tell me, "Mom, let me do the talking." I usually respected their preferences.

Reflecting on this incident has made me realize the importance of understanding and communication between parents and their children, especially when cultural differences exist.

It's crucial to acknowledge and address the unique challenges that children of immigrant parents might face. By opening up a dialogue and being empathetic to the children, parents can help bridge the gap and create a more supportive and understanding environment for the kids. Most importantly, take the time to connect with your young children about their feelings and experiences in this aspect.

A few days ago, I heard of this saying in Chinese, 重新养育自己 (chóng xīn yǎng yù zì jǐ), which translates to "reparenting oneself" or "self-reparenting." At first, I thought it was just a trendy concept in China.

A little research told me it's been around since the early 1970s. The concept of reparenting was developed within a psychoanalytic theory called transactional analysis.

The assumption goes this way: our childhood experiences and our upbringings stay with us and influence us unconsciously during adulthood. We are so captivated by this experience that it's like we are living under the spell of the past.

Reparenting ourselves is a self-directed process to break the spell of past parenting. e.g. if your childhood lacked love and support, you reparent yourself now with the love, support, and validation that your parents failed to provide.

Another example, if you grew up always hearing criticism or negative feedback from your parents, your self-talk as an adult tends to echo what you heard from your parents. You might say things like, "It's just like me to make stupid mistakes," or "I'm so stupid." Reparenting yourself involves giving yourself praise and positive feedback instead. This is so much like the way I was raised with too many criticism. In fact I don't remember being on the receiving end of any praise.

Many adults with difficult upbringings find themselves lacking the confidence and positive self-talk needed to thrive. Reparenting oneself helps these adults gain confidence and the skills needed to succeed in life.

I like the idea of reparenting ourselves because we can't choose how we were parented, but we can choose how we reparent ourselves.

Reparenting oneself is a powerful tool for personal growth and healing. It allows us to take control of our narratives and reshape the impact of our past on us today.

By recognizing the negative influences of our upbringing and actively working to counteract them, we can break free from old patterns and create a more positive and fulfilling future. More importantly, life is about doing what we can do now, instead of licking and lamenting past wounds.

Finally, use the self-reparenting tool to nurture and support ourselves in the ways we always deserved, ultimately leading to greater self-awareness, emotional well-being and a happy journey ahead.

Sunday meetings with my Korean student always bring up something new for me to think about. During our last meeting, we talked about the retirement systems in America and South Korea.

There are both similarities and differences between the retirement systems of South Korea and the U.S. In both countries, retirees receive money from a mix of sources.

However, there is one significant difference between the two. In South Korea, corporate pensions are common, which is rare among U.S. private companies. Instead, American companies encourage employees to contribute to their own retirement accounts, such as 401(k) plans, by matching about 3% of the employee's contribution up to a certain annual cap.

Although both countries have capitalist systems, the relative absence of corporate pensions in the U.S. reflects broader cultural differences between the two countries.

American culture is characterized by strong individualism and freedom, with an emphasis on personal responsibility and self-reliance, and super downplaying the role of a collective and the government. When it comes to retirement, individuals are encouraged to take charge, rather than relying on the company or the government.

With maximum personal freedom comes the huge responsibility for the consequences of one's choices. You decide how to save for your retirement, and as a result, you are expected to live with the consequences of your decisions.

In contrast, Korean culture retains some of its traditional values, emphasizing community, family, and social harmony. Individuals still consider the needs and expectations of the group.

There is also a stronger sense of interdependence among family members, communities, and within society. Support systems are often more collective, with families playing a crucial role in caring for elderly relatives.

In conclusion, the differences in retirement systems between South Korea and the U.S. sharply highlight the cultural values that shape each society. While Americans prioritize individualism, freedom and self-reliance, Koreans emphasize community and familial support. Understanding these cultural contexts can help us appreciate the diverse approaches to retirement planning around the world, and also prepare people financially if they decide to retire in the U.S.

Incidentally, China and South Korean share heavily with the emphasis on the collective and interdependence, even though the two countries follow different system.