Yanwen’s blog

Weekend is always mentally and physically revitalizing to me when we spend time with the children. Their youthful presence is very contagious. 

Yesterday we walked on Brooklyn streets with my son and stepped into Barnes & Nobel's bookstore. There I saw the book that I wanted to borrow from the library but it's not available yet because it came out last November, Same as Ever: A Guide to What Never Changes by Morgan Housel. My son said, if you want to read it, I'll buy it. So he did.

On the way back, he recalled, when they were small, we used to spend a lot of time in bookstore, reading books there but seldom bought books. This has been rather impactful on him even now, the love of reading. So delighted to hear this.

I remember my father wrote these characters on a piece of paper and displayed on his desk, 开卷有益 (Kāi juàn yǒu yì). The literal meaning is: it is always beneficial to open a book. These words underscore the belief that reading and learning can always benefit you. It encourages lifelong learning and the continuous exploration in the sea of knowledge for growth and enlightenment.

A person won't go wrong as long as he loves reading.

There's something new everyday. Friday morning I had an interesting chat with a young alumnus from Tianjin. They have two children, the older son being 10 years old. They sound worried about the boy.

They said, the boy is very special with high IQ and low EQ. Any teacher who has taught him says he is smart, but he has a bad temper, a strong personality and is always at odds with others. They believe his main problem is that he does not care about anyone or anything. True, he cares about our family but he cares more about his own feelings than that of others.

When I suggested that writing can help boost his EQ, they said, he is weak at writing and feels uncomfortable about writing. He is excited when it comes to mathematics or programming, having a strong partiality toward one subject.

Clearly the boy has a unique set of strengths and challenges. What would I do if he were my son, I asked myself. I would try the following:

(1) Encourage and support his passion since he loves math and programming.

(2) Find ways to sneak in writing skills with his interests in math and programming, like asking him to write a coding project or coding story.

(3) Develop his emotional intelligence by emphasizing the importance of understanding and empathizing with others' feelings.

(4) Teach him the proper way of anger management and conflict resolution. This he definitely needs to learn.

Ultimately he needs to learn to manage himself. The boy is only 10 years old. They still have time, but the window is closing fast.

A Chinese proverb resonates with this situation: 授人以鱼, 不如授人以渔。(Shòu rén yǐ yú bùrú shòu rén yǐ yú.) Teach a man how to fish is far better than giving him a fish. The moral lesson here is: If you give a man a fish, you feed him for only a day; if you teach him how to fish, you feed him for a lifetime."

As a parent, I believe it is very important to empower the child with the skills and knowledge to meet challenges on his own. Parents can't be there for the children all the time. While we nurture the child's interests, we also need to teach him valuable life skills, and guide him to develop emotional intelligence. This will have a lasting impact on his life.

It warmed my heart immensely when a few days ago a young relative of ours expressed his gratitude to us. He came to the United States in 2006 when he was in his early 20s. We helped him with school applications here and provided other types of help for him to complete his study. I'm delighted to see him growing into such a mature, grateful and responsible individual now.

He was a different person in 2006. Back then, I remember every time I offered some advice to him, he would blurted out "I know. I know. I know. No need to tell me..." It sounded like a direct affront to my good intentions. Of course he was still a child. I never took it to heart. 

This should give some hope to parents who think their children are rude and disrespectful. They are still immature. In due time, they will grow up, become mature and different persons. Just be patient.

Here's a Chinese saying that I hope people can take it to their hearts. It is a super great advice if you want to be nice. "有则改之，无则加勉" (Yǒu zé gǎi zhī, wú zé jiā miǎn). The literal meaning is: "Correct it if you have this problem, prevent it if you don't have it." 

This saying applies to occasions when someone either criticizes you or gives you advice. Your positive attitude should be "有则改之，无则加勉", instead of starting a self-defense mode or like my relative in 2006.

You may ask, what's the big deal about this attitude? It's all about acknowledging the good intentions in others, about giving credit to the person who cares enough to tell us what he honestly thinks, and most importantly, about being a PLEASANT human. Because a direct affront can be annoying to many people.

Wednesday my Korean student shared with me this story. Her daughter goes to an academy school each day after school. When she is back home doing her homework, the mother learns with her daughter. Sometimes she pretended that she doesn’t know the word, asking her daughter to explain it to her, giving her a chance of being a teacher to her mother.

It gives her a sense of satisfaction to be a teacher. When her daughter becomes assertive, insisting "Say it three times," she simply plays along with it. The young girl takes great joy and pride in playing the role of a teacher, and she approaches the task with genuine dedication. Also, she learns better when teaching her mother.

What a great teamwork! What a great way to spend time and grow together! What a smart method of teaching responsibility, of developing maturity, of boosting leadership role in a young child!

The collaborative learning dynamic between the mother and the daughter reminds me of a Chinese saying, 师父领进门，修行在个人。(Shīfù lǐng jìnmén, xiūxíng zài gèrén.) The literal meaning is: The teacher guides you to the entrance of the knowledge, but real learning is ultimately up to the individual. 

While highlighting the teacher's role in providing direction and guidance, the saying emphasizes the student's commitment and personal effort as being crucial for real personal growth. This partially explains why students sitting in the same classroom under the same teacher yield vastly different results.

A relative of mine has a rather dominant personality. She likes to take charge and is your typical authoritative figure. Of course, she must win every battle when she fights. But with her son, she is a different person. She once said, in arguing with my son, I lose if I win, I win if I lose.

Another friend of mine shared with me her lost fight with her high school son on his game addiction. When she cut the internet connection at home, he used his cellphone. When she threatened to take away his phone, he said he would go to his friend's house and would never come back. My friend said, I don't want him to run away from home, so let him be. Better having a son at home than a runaway one.

I think, as a parent, both my relative and my friend can put things in a large time frame and are wise in their respective attitude. In both cases, the boys now turn out wonderfully. For parents, in a broad perspective, sometimes being flexible and ready to compromise, not insisting on having our own way can yield better overall results.

A Chinese saying goes, 退一步海阔天空 (Tuì yī bù, hǎi kuò tiān kōng), which means literally "Taking a step back, you will find the boundless sea and the endless sky." It tells people that by stepping back, yielding to your opponent or your children, you can create a win-win situation and open to endless opportunities, greater possibilities, and a much brighter future for all.